


Ebb and Flow

by jayfiend



Category: Hit the Floor (TV)
Genre: Anal, Angst, Blow Jobs, Hand Jobs, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-03
Updated: 2015-06-24
Packaged: 2018-03-21 01:49:34
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 46,649
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3672996
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jayfiend/pseuds/jayfiend
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The more Jude tried to break away the harder he was pulled back.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. 1

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I don't own the characters and I do not intend to make a profit off this story. The characters described within belong to their respective creators.

1.

"Why are you always here?" I asked, closing and locking the door to my apartment. "Don’t you have a mansion to hang out in? This place can’t be up to your standards."

Zero was sitting on the couch with his feet propped up on the coffee table pretending to read a magazine. "You gave me a key," he said, shrugging.

Lately it seemed like every time I went to my apartment he was either already there waiting for me or he would walk in a little while after I got home. And it wasn’t only for sex, though that was the majority of what we did when we were together. Sometimes we just hung out with each other and it wasn’t for sexual release or to talk about his prospects. It was simple companionship. For someone who claimed he didn’t do relationships and didn’t want all the drama he was slotting himself into my life like he wanted to be there. Early on he’d said no relationships because they made things difficult. As this continued I wanted to ask him what his definition of a relationship was, because he was certainly acting like we were in one. But that conversation could wait.

I found myself making space for him. I’d wound up cleaning out a drawer for him to use to keep some of his clothes. My shopping list started to include food that he liked. And I’d even gotten him his own toothbrush after he’d been using mine. It was almost like having a boyfriend. The problem was almost wasn’t good enough.

Dealing with him on top of dealing with the thousand other pieces of shit life threw at me was getting old. It felt like he was using me but I wasn’t sure why. I left him sitting in the living room and went to my bedroom to change. He’d left a pile on the clothes on the floor. I made a mental note that doing his laundry was over the line.

As I started taking my shirt off he walked into the room. He almost looked uncomfortable and he’d crossed his arms in front of his chest like I might attack him. "Are you okay?" he asked. I wasn’t sure if he really meant it or not, sometimes it was hard to tell. I turned away and started to get a change of clothes out from my dresser. "I can leave if you want," he said finally after I dragged the silence out as long as I could. I wasn’t stupid. I knew that if he really wanted he could have pretty much anyone he wanted, he didn’t have to be here with me. The fact that he was and he took even a fake amount of interest in me showed something. I just didn’t know what. Right now I’d take what I could get.

"No, you don’t have to leave," I said, sighing. "It’s been a long day." There was so much I wanted to say to him, to yell at him, but I couldn’t find the words. And I wasn’t sure how he would react.

Zero must have sensed that there was still something wrong because he kept his expression guarded. I pushed past him and headed into the kitchen. The fridge was empty, mostly my fault but partly his. The sink was full of dishes that hadn’t been washed. The feeling of being taken for granted that had started when I got home was threatening to take over completely. And I prided myself on never acting on those emotions. I tried to keep myself under control as much as possible, to push strong feelings away so I could be the professional calm and collected person I thought I had to be. That worked well in business, not so well in my personal life.

When I went back into the living room he was picking up his stuff and getting ready to leave. A feeling of panic flashed through me. "I said you didn’t have to go," I said, trying to keep my voice neutral.

He laughed to himself and turned to face me. He had his mask on too, any emotion he might have really been feeling was covered with an air of bravado. "Yeah? Maybe I want to go," he said, but his voice didn’t match his words. It was shaky and uncertain.

I took a few steps toward him and he didn’t make any move to walk away. A small flame of anger was still burning brightly in my stomach but it was quickly getting replaced with a fear of being alone again. I didn’t have many people who I could trust to look out for me. Zero was pretty much the only one. It felt like it would be stupid to push that away. Stupid or not, I couldn’t force myself to move, to tell him to stay.

We stood at opposite ends of the room. Eventually he rolled his eyes and opened the door. "I’m gonna go."

He was back the next day like nothing had happened.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

After the first time we’d had sex I was sure it was going to be the last. He’d done it out of pity, not any greater meaning. Yet he kept on coming over day after day almost like clockwork. After the fifth or sixth time finding him sitting in his car waiting for me outside I gave him a key. He didn’t reciprocate, though I wasn’t sure where he lived exactly anyway.

The first time I found him waiting for me it was a shock. He was sitting in his bright red Porsche trying to act like he had every right to be here and that things were just like they’d always been. After the night we’d first had sex he’d disappeared and I let him. It was too hard to believe that it had happened in the first place. So to find him here two days afterward made me latch on to the flagging hope that this was truly something he wanted too.

I walked past him without acknowledging him. It was almost like a game. I wanted to see if he was actually here to see me. It took me longer than it usually did to unlock my front door. "Jude, hey! Where’ve you been? I wanted to talk about some of my endorsement deals," he said, running up behind me.

It was so hard to keep the smile that was threatening to take over my face under control. I continued facing the door. "I have a cell phone. And an office. You didn’t have to come here."

I risked a quick glance at him. He looked almost embarrassed. "I was driving around here anyway. Figured I’d stop by and see if you were home." He was so close to me, close enough I imagined I could feel his body heat.

Finally I unlocked the door to my apartment and let him in. "We both know that’s not why you’re here," I said softly. My whole body was caught in between wanting to run away from him and this whole situation and staying to see what he wanted.

Zero was staring at me like he wasn’t sure exactly what he wanted either. A weak smile passed over his lips. Even though I was still unsure of myself and him I forced myself to act like this was completely normal, this was just a player checking in with his agent. Nothing deeper than that. Eventually he made his way over to the couch and sat down. I could feel him looking at me expectantly.

For whatever reason I didn’t want to make this easy for him. "I’ll be with you in a minute," I said. I had more important things to do so I tried to ignore him as I took care of stuff I’d been putting off all day. My desk was facing away from him so it was easier to ignore him. I turned on my laptop and started reading through e-mails.

I was dimly aware of Zero heading into the kitchen and getting something out of the fridge. He came back into the living room and put a bottle of beer on the desk beside me. "Come on, that can wait."

I’d just been reading e-mail after e-mail from sponsors that were pulling their support for Zero. Some of them had given him advancements and they wanted him to pay them back and return everything they’d given him. All of the e-mails had been sent to him as well so it wasn’t like he was out of the loop. All day I’d been on the phone with representatives from the various companies trying to beg them to ride out the attention that had been turned on him. I’d only just become his full-time agent and it felt like I’d been thrown to the wolves. He was right, Jelena had taken it all.

Zero had been so distraught and almost broken a few days ago. That day in the limo when he put his hand on my thigh I thought he was reaching out the only way he knew. Instead I misread the situation, I put my emotion and desires on him. Now today he was acting like all his troubles were a mere blip in the scheme of things, a bump in the road to drive past.

I didn’t look at him and took the beer. It was a welcome relief from the stress that was bearing down on me. Zero slapped me on the back and leaned heavily against the desk next to me. He was smiling and acting like none of it mattered right now. And he certainly had much more to lose than I did, so why shouldn’t I see where this took me?

I put down the beer and grabbed his shirt. For a moment he looked startled but he let me drag him down into a kiss. When we pulled apart he still had his eyes closed. "That’s what you wanted, right?" I asked. The words came out much harsher than I intended.

If Zero noticed or cared he didn’t let it show. Instead his lips curled into a smirk. "What I wanted? I thought it was something we both wanted."

I kissed him again, my hands cupping his face and pulling him into me. He let me, whether or not it was something he wanted to do with me in particular or whether he would have been happy with anyone at all didn’t matter. After we kissed for a while we pulled away from each other.

Zero winced and stood up with some difficulty. "Can we take this somewhere else?" he asked, running his finger under my chin. I found myself looking up at him and I wanted to believe this was more than sex, more than a release.

So I pushed my chair back and led him into the bedroom. We’d barely made it here the last time we’d done this. There hadn’t really been any time to enjoy things or explore, it was just a flurry of taking off our clothes and drowning in each other. Now there was time to linger if we chose. I still wasn’t sure what he was in this for and my mind was making it more complicated than it probably really was.

A quick glance around the room showed that I really needed to clean up. Everything I might have wanted to hide was out for all to see. For an instant I saw the room as he might have. I’d left some of my clothes on the floor halfway between my bed and the laundry basket in the closet. There were pictures on my dresser of my mom and a cat I’d had when I was growing up. Nothing of Oscar. Nothing recent. I didn’t want to answer any of his questions. But when I looked at him Zero didn’t seem to care, he followed me to the bed without making any detours or taking his eyes off me. I could barely stop looking at him but I kept on thinking about how he’d see my apartment and what he’d think about me because of it.

Zero was wearing a T-shirt and sweatpants. His shirt came off pretty easily, as opposed to my dress shirt and pants. He struggled with the buttons. "Do you own anything that isn’t hard to take off?" he asked, grunting in frustration as the last button slipped through his fingers. I wound up having to help him. In between struggling to get undressed we continued kissing each other, sometimes getting so distracted that everything else was forgotten.

We were lying down side by side. I found myself running my hand up and down his body, tracing the contours of his muscles and finding out where everything fit together. His skin felt like it was boiling against mine, as if there was a furnace in his chest. He was tracing his hand along the waistband of my pants, trying to undo the buckle. Finally it flipped open and his hand slipped inside. I had been kissing him but the shock of his fingers touching my cock made me temporarily lose control. I fell boneless against him and rested my head against his neck while he continued kissing me. My breath was harsh and rasping. It didn’t feel like I was getting enough oxygen.

The only other time we’d done this had been messy and loud and I wouldn’t have given the memory up for anything. At the time I’d thought it was a one time only thing so I’d better make the most of it. Now that it seemingly wasn’t I wanted to take advantage of it. We could take our time.

Zero started kissing down my chest. My heart was pounding. I could feel his beard scratching against my skin. My hand went to his head, following him as he made his way further down. "Zero!" I gasped as he reached my cock. My hand clenched in his hair and he pulled back. When he looked up at me I thought he might be angry but he had a smile on his face. "Sorry," I said.

He laughed. "It’s okay," he said. His voice was soft and unassuming. Once he was sure I wasn’t going to tear his hair out he continued paying attention to my cock. If I’d hurt him he didn’t say anything and in fact it might have been a point of pride that he’d been able to get me to do it. It was surprising watching him lick up and down my shaft. I’d never even dreamed about doing this with him and it all had an almost dreamlike quality, everything was fuzzy around the edges. I’d been able to keep my head propped up to watch him but as time passed and he actually put my cock in his mouth the strength that I had left me. I was trying to be quiet, I really was, but with each swirl of his tongue I lost all ability to stop myself moaning loudly. I could feel him laughing around my cock. At that point I didn’t care what he was doing as long as he didn’t stop.

His hands were running up and down my legs. I wasn’t used to that much stimulation all in one spot. My muscles tensed, I could feel something building deep inside of me. I wasn’t going to last much longer. I didn’t have much time to do much more than grunt out "Zero!" before I was coming in his mouth. He wasn’t ready for it. Most of it landed hot and heavy on my chest. Zero leaned against my leg and wiped his mouth off. He was breathing heavily.

"Shit, next time give me a little warning, ok?" he said.

My mind latched on to the ‘next time’. "I’m sorry, it happened faster than I thought."

He smirked. "Jude, it’s fine." I could have listened to him say that forever. Finally we peeled apart from each other and I went into the bathroom to get something to clean up.

When I got back he’d moved only enough to rest his head on one of the pillows. It was obvious under his sweatpants that he hadn’t calmed down at all. I couldn’t resist grinning at him. He smiled back and gestured at his crotch with a raised eyebrow.

I flopped onto the foot of the bed in front of him. Zero’s grin got even wider as I leaned over him. He grabbed me and pulled me down into a kiss. I traced along the waistband of his sweatpants before slipping my hand underneath the fabric and touching his cock. His skin was warm and I could almost feel his warmth draining into me. He moaned into the kiss. As I inched his pants down his cock sprang free from the fabric. It was half-hard and dripping pre-cum. I swallowed heavily. I’d never really done this before and it felt like I had to psych myself up before diving in.

Zero was remarkably calm about the whole situation. Right now we were kissing and he wasn’t complaining. Then I went for it. I licked up one side of his cock. The moan he let out was worth it. I licked my lips and then tried to suck on it. I could feel his hands moving to my shoulders. He whispered my name. I tried as best I could and hoped that whatever I did was enough. He was certainly hard enough and between my hands and my tongue it felt like I might be able to get him off. The thought was a little empowering, I could see why some people wanted all the control. If I’d truly wanted to I could have stopped and left him begging for more.

But I didn’t.

Zero pushed me away before he came. Some of it landed on me, hot and sticky and evidence that I wasn’t a fuck up at everything. He was panting hard and didn’t react when I wiped the both of us off. The only thing he did was start laughing to himself. "What?" A brief flash of terror rushed through me. Was he laughing at me? Was this all a joke?

"Nothing," he said, smiling to himself. "Just never really thought this would happen I guess."

I pulled the sheets up around us. He didn’t resist. "Is that a good thing?"

He shrugged. "I don’t know, is it?" That was pretty much what I expected him to say. Two thirds of what he said most of the time was bullshit. This was just more of it.

I rubbed a hand over my face, "I think so," I said finally.

"Then it is. Don’t make such a big thing about it."

 

After that it seemed like every day I’d come home from work and he’d be waiting for me. If he wanted this to be discreet he was doing a shitty job at it. Maybe he really didn’t care who knew. I was pretty sure my neighbors could tell what was going on. Sometimes I’d run into my next door neighbor as he lurked around outside checking his mail and watering the dead plant he kept by his front door. It was only by pure luck that he hadn’t seen Zero walking by and recognized him. All Zero needed was to have another news story come out about him to make it all come crashing down again. I wanted to think that if it did come out people would be understanding but I didn’t want to get my hopes up.

The day things changed Zero was pacing around on the sidewalk by my apartment complex. I drove past him without noticing him at first. When I parked my car he came jogging up beside it. "How long were you waiting for me?" I asked.

"Practice got out early. I went for a run." He made it sound like he’d just been in the neighborhood and had happened to stop by. But I could see his car parked around the corner and he wasn’t wearing work-out clothes. There was something hungry in his gaze.

He was hovering behind me as I unlocked the door. I tried to pretend that this was normal and not intimidating the hell out of me. When the door opened and I let him in he immediately flopped down on the couch. He put his feet on the coffee table, pushing some of my magazines and papers onto the floor. It felt like I had to start drawing boundaries or he’d take over everything inch by inch. "Zero, I’d really like it if you called first. I’m not a big fan of surprises." I used my negotiating voice, the one that didn’t give any wiggle room.

I expected him to fight me on it but he shrugged. "Sure, whatever you want." He gave me a placid smile. That was infuriating. It almost seemed like he was taking for granted that I’d always be there and I’d always let him in. It was true but admitting it was painful. Especially when he’d made it clear that it wasn’t serious and he could walk away at any time. The whole situation made me mad at myself, mad that I still wanted to be with him even though there were no guarantees and it probably wasn’t going to last very long.

It made me desperate. And stupid.

Zero acted like he wasn’t either of those things. He leaned forward on the couch with a smile on his face. "If it’s such a big problem for you why did you let me in?" he asked.

I was mid taking my jacket off and I stopped. There was a lump of anger in my throat that almost made me unable to speak. "Maybe I’m just hoping you’ll change your mind," I said finally.

The smile stayed on his face but it was strained around the edges. He stood up and walked over to me, trying to intimidate me with his size even though I was slightly taller. I rose to the challenge, stepping forward until we were almost touching. His eyes flicked over my body and closed. He exhaled and I felt it against my neck. "And if I don’t?"

It was a challenge. Zero wanted to see if I’d give up trying, if I’d push him away. And inside me a part of me was telling me I should. We wanted different things from each other and that wasn’t going to change. My unhappiness was going to coil like a snake down in my stomach until one day I couldn’t take it anymore and snapped. The other part of me wanted this, wanted whatever I could get with him. Right now it was all I had. It was that part of me that reached out and grabbed him, pulling him into a kiss that both of us wanted but neither of us would admit.

We both pulled away from each other slowly, almost like a dare. I opened my eyes before he did. He opened his slowly, a smile growing on his face. I smiled back, laughing under my breath. "If you don’t I guess I’ll enjoy this while it lasts." My smile was fake, his probably wasn’t. At the moment I felt like I had to hold on to what I had, however little I truly had.

Zero’s grin got bigger. I felt him put his hands on my hips and start to guide me toward the bedroom. And that part of me that was happy with whatever it could get let him.

 

Once we were in my bedroom we were all over each other. Zero’d had enough practice by now that he was able to get me undressed just as quickly as I could strip him. "You’re in a hurry," I panted against his ear.

He bit down on my neck. "I’ve been waiting for you to get back for a while." I had to suppress a moan as he kept on kissing and sucking the same spot over and over. My hands clutched him tighter.

"You could have called. I would have come home early," I said, licking beneath his ear. Zero shuddered against me.

We stumbled into bed, pushing pillows and sheets out of the way. I wound up on my back staring up at him as he straddled my legs. I’d never really been in this position before and I didn’t know who had to do what next. Zero must have sensed my hesitation because he had no problem taking the lead. He trailed his hands down my chest, following them with kisses. I had my hands on his hips. It was hard to keep my eyes open and pay attention to what he was doing.

Before I realized it he’d dropped something on my chest. When I opened my eyes and looked I found lube and a condom. Zero winked at me.

"Really?" I asked.

He stared at me without wavering and nodded. I smiled at him benignly and then pushed him over. Thoughts rushed through my mind, he’d obviously been way more prepared for this than I was, I hadn’t even thought about buying lube. The nervousness I had felt when we first started doing this was fluttering in the back of my mind but I didn’t want to let it show. He seemed willing to go along with whatever I wanted to do and he didn’t resist when I grabbed him and pushed him onto his back. He watched intently as I opened up the lube and spread it on my fingers. It was cold and a lot more fluid than I was expecting. More of it got on the bed than stayed on my fingers. Zero laughed to himself. I had to join him.

I gave the lube a second to warm up before I slowly pressed a finger inside him. He grimaced in pain but didn’t say anything. After a while his face relaxed and he didn’t protest when I added another finger. I must have touched something inside of him that made him lose control because he grabbed onto my arms and pulled me down on top of him. All the bravado was disappearing. His eyes were half-closed and he was starting to breathe harder. I could barely keep control over myself. I tried to keep myself in the same frame of mind as I did when I was negotiating endorsement deals and didn’t want to give away my true feelings just yet. It felt like if I let things give over so quickly it would all be over with and like it never happened.

After a third finger his cock was hard and mine almost seemed like it was harder. Zero stared up at me. "Jude, please, it’s okay," he whispered. And so after I fumbled with the condom and lube again I pushed inside him. He let out a strangled grunt and gritted his teeth. I gave him time to get used to it. I couldn’t really say I was ready to move either. It felt like I was bursting out of my skin, I could feel the heat rising between us. Zero started to push against me so I took that as a sign he was ready for me to move. Each thrust changed the pressure against my cock, rubbing it to heights I almost thought were impossible to reach. I abandoned myself to the feeling of him all around me. It was hard to do much else besides focus on the motion of in and out. I braced my arms on either side of him on the bed, closed my eyes, and tried to lose myself.

Zero wouldn’t let me. He arched his back up against me so our chests touched and pulled me down into a savage kiss. I met each of his kisses with one of my own, finally reaching down to touch his cock. He gasped into my mouth. I had been trying to keep quiet but the longer this lasted the less control I was able to keep over myself.

It all turned out to be for nothing as he made me stop for a moment and then he flipped me onto my back and started to ride me, grinding himself down onto my cock with a violence I wasn’t sure was safe. At that point I gave up any attempt at being quiet. Sounds I didn’t know I could make burst out of my throat and mixed with his moans and echoed in the room.

He anchored himself against my chest, pushing himself up and down against me. I wasn’t sure if the bed was going to hold up to the onslaught. It made ominous noises beneath us. That wasn’t enough to make us stop. His cock was hard and hot in my hands and it didn’t seem like either of us would last much longer.

After a few more minutes of wild bucking against each other I couldn’t hold on anymore. I came, holding back a yell, clutching Zero’s hips like he would disappear if I didn’t. His hand covered mine on his cock and he came soon after. He slumped down on my chest before slowly pulling himself off of me and lying on his back next to me.

It took a long time to catch my breath. When I did I leaned over and looked at him. Zero stared back at me, a faint smile playing over his lips. "What?" I said. It almost felt like he was laughing at me.

"I don’t think I’ve ever seen you let go like that," he said, shaking his head. He leaned over and kissed me. "I’ve never seen you that relaxed before."

I waited for him to say something else but it didn’t seem like he was going to. When I realized it wasn’t going anywhere I got up and went to the bathroom to clean off. He followed a few steps behind me. My bathroom seemed way too small. I was hypersensitive to how close he was standing to me, to how his hand brushed against mine when I gave him a wash cloth. I couldn’t look in the mirror. I didn’t want to know what I looked like.

"Are you okay?" he asked. "You’re acting like something’s wrong." He put a hand on my shoulder. I started shaking so hard he almost couldn’t hold on. Instead of backing away like I expected he pulled me into a hug, resting his head on my shoulder. "It’s okay."

I still couldn’t quite force that same control over my emotions that I’d had earlier today to come back. So far I’d been able to keep it together but now it felt like it was all spinning out of control and I didn’t want this to be the only time this happened. I’d grown used to coming home and finding him waiting for me. Right now it felt like we’d crossed a line. He might never come back. I grabbed onto the sides of the sink and inhaled and exhaled until the nervous energy dissipated.

I hated breaking out of his arms but I had to go and do something before the moment passed.

"Jude?" he called after me.

I grabbed what I needed from the living room and went back to the bathroom. Zero was staring at me like he didn’t know who I was. I held a key to my apartment out to him. He shook his head. "I said no..."

"I know you did. This is so you don’t have to wait outside for me." I tried to keep my face neutral and act like I didn’t care whether or not he took it. If he took it that meant this wasn’t it.

It took him a minute but eventually he reached out and took it carefully, examining it suspiciously before closing his hand around it. I couldn’t read the expression on his face. He wasn’t happy but he wasn’t complaining either. There was still hope.

 

The next day when I got there he was waiting for me. He’d left his keys on the coffee tablet. In the brief glance I saw of them he’d put the key I’d give him on top, not mixed in the middle with the other ones to hide it. It might have been out of pure laziness but I noticed it just the same. He gave me a sheepish smile and I almost felt like I’d won.

That was the start of the slippery slope. Every day I woke up and tried to pretend that I was happy with this, that I could keep going on pretending this was enough.


	2. Chapter 2

2.

Instinct told me not to tell anyone that Zero and I had anything more than a business relationship. He’d made it clear that it could end at any time and for any reason. Speaking about it was taboo. I almost thought if I did it would be like it had never happened. It was all a dream I was going to wake up from any day now.

It didn’t really change how we acted in public though I was starting to take more notice of how he treated other people. I hadn’t realized the extent of the mask that he put on when he was out with the general public. Around pretty much everyone else he was a likable and friendly guy who couldn’t believe his luck at being traded to the Devils and he was so glad he had a new home with their organization. Every woman he met that gave him attention was suddenly his whole world. Sometimes I’m not sure he even knew he was doing it. It was only when everyone left that he relaxed a little and pieces of the person behind the mask came out. It must have been exhausting.

When Zero was with me he’d let that frustration out. He was much more willing to let me in on what he was truly feeling than everyone else. I knew his secrets and he knew I’d never betray him. I was a safe harbor. Sometimes it felt I was just a fall-back plan until something better came along. I knew he had a plan for himself. We’d talked about it when I first started working with him. I just wasn’t so sure about my place in it. There were no guarantees that once he achieved all he wanted that there would be a place for me. The disappointment that he’d never truly consider having a relationship with me churned deep in my bones.

It didn’t help that I had to think about him at work too. Though I had other clients my boss was on me all the time to try and get as much money out of Zero’s image as I could. My every waking moment was consumed by him. I was so pissed off at myself for wanting something he’d made clear would never happen. It made it hard to deal with him at face value. I was always on the verge of lashing out.

It made sex a battle. I took out my frustrations the only way I knew how. I’d get him begging for release and take an almost perverse pleasure that he needed me for something that I had control over. I could make the decision. Even just knowing that I could stop at any time and leave him wanting was an incredible rush of power. He never complained and if he noticed that anything was different he didn’t say anything.

 

Even though on the surface nothing had changed, small pieces of how Zero felt about me started to show through. When he told me, or rather showed me, that he knew about Olivia’s note and the cocaine it was hard to conceal my surprise. I’d accidentally given him the one thing that would take down Derek once and for all and he hadn’t used it. I didn’t understand how that fit into his plan, if he even had one. I never would have expected him to be looking out for me. It was a full time job looking out for himself.

Seeing my shocked face made him shut down almost immediately and retreat back into his old cocky shell. It was obviously more than he was prepared to show me right then. Whenever it seemed like we might be getting closer he always pulled away like he couldn’t trust himself. At times it felt like he really wanted to make a connection, but he’d always change the subject or leave before that happened. I had no idea how to tell him to give in.

Once he’d told me a little about his past and how I shouldn’t expect people to care he got up and headed for the door as if the atmosphere was too much for him and he had to escape. I didn’t know if this was mirroring something from his childhood or if he just couldn’t deal with it anymore. He’d never talked about his childhood since I’d first known him. As far as I knew it wasn’t anything special. It wasn’t something he talked about in interviews either, so to find out that it wasn’t what I’d expected was jarring. I’d thought he’d had whatever passed for a normal childhood. I’d thought he’d picked out Zero as a nickname himself. "Where are you going?" I asked.

He stopped with his hand on the doorknob. I couldn’t see his face so I had no idea what was going through his mind. "I thought you might want to be alone after that."

The thought was ludicrous. "Why would I want to be alone right now?" I said. "I just told you that my dad basically disowned me. Maybe I’d like it if for once someone stayed instead of walking away." The control I kept over my emotions was slipping. I still had the red envelope in my hand and all I wanted to do was tear it to pieces. I put my head in my hands. Right now I felt like I was stupid for ever thinking that Oscar could accept me as his son. It had been a dream I’d held deep inside me for so long that I couldn’t let it go.

Zero ran his hand over the doorknob and turned back around to face me. All of the confidence and bravado was gone and he looked lost. "I’m not good at this shit, ok? I didn’t tell anyone about the cocaine because I didn’t want you to get in trouble. That’s it." There was a finality in his words that there usually wasn’t. He closed his eyes and sighed. Something was warring inside of him. Whatever was making him want to go must have lost because before I knew it he was walking back over to me. "Fine, I’ll stay with you tonight."

"That’s all I’m asking," I said.

  


That night we laid next to each other in bed as we had so many nights before. But this time it wasn’t after having sex until we both dropped bone weary into the sheets. This was after I’d had my whole world shaken and picked up an ally in an unexpected place. There was no way I was going to get any sleep at this rate.

Zero was an unreadable figure lying next to me. We hadn’t touched all night, though we’d certainly been close enough to on more than one occasion. I was struck with a sort of combination of pride and guilt that he was still here when things were getting uncomfortable and messy. "Thank you for staying," I said. He shot me an almost frightened look, as if I’d caught him right when he was deciding to leave.

"I don’t want things to get complicated."

"Too late Zero, they already are. And it’s not all on me. It’s just as much your fault." I had to bite back all the things that I wanted to say. The last thing I wanted was to push him away.

We were silent after that, the only sound the wind blowing in the bushes outside the window.

  


If I thought that what we’d talked about would change anything I would have been disappointed. Within a day or two it was back to normal. I’d come home from work and he’d either be there already or would get there a few minutes after. Depending on how we felt we might have sex or we’d hang out. The few times I tried to bring up what we’d been talking about he changed the subject and made it clear it wasn’t something he was going to discuss.

The Devils won the championship and I found myself standing on the sidelines yet again. The fact that I couldn’t even celebrate out in public with someone that I cared about made me realize that either the situation had to change or I had to change. So I tried to talk to him, I tried to see his point of view, but he was only focused on himself. At least until I said I was going to leave, then he suddenly decided he could do some of what I’d been asking him to do since the beginning. He told me his real name, Gideon. If he thought that was supposed to make me change my mind he was wrong. If he wanted to be with me he had to do a lot more than that.

After he told me his name I wasn’t expecting him to call me. If I was going to bet on anything it was that he’d go right back to the prostitutes and sycophants that followed him around and agreed with whatever he said. I couldn’t dig him out of the hole he’d made for himself, maybe someone else could.

As days passed all the excuses I might have made for him not calling me disappeared. I couldn’t keep holding on to the hope for something that would never happen. Right then all I wanted to do was get as far away from the situation as possible. The best thing to do would be to cut all ties to him and move on. It would have the added benefit of letting me get farther away from Oscar. I started looking for a new apartment, one with thicker walls and no nosy neighbors. I put the Porsche in storage, only using it for meetings with people I had to impress.

I tried to put myself back out there as much as I could but I had never really been great at the bar scene to begin with. Now guys would look at me and turn away. My loneliness must have been palpable. It shouldn’t have bothered me as much as it did. I’d lived by myself before, I’d done the whole singles thing. After weeks of coming home to an apartment with lights on and someone to talk to it was a struggle to go back to the way things had been. Everything in my apartment was too clean and sterile. I let it all slide. I only had to appear put together until I got home. And then it was only for a few hours of emptiness before repeating the whole thing over again.

The one thing that remained constant was my friendship with Lionel. When I’d first started talking to her it had been out of a misguided attempt to prove myself to Oscar, but the more time I spent with her the more I realized that she was actually a real person and one that I wanted to be friends with. After the championship Lionel seemed to sense that something had changed and she started inviting me to some of her parties and intimate gatherings. She would introduce me to single guys she thought I’d like and hope for the best. They all blurred together in a mass of wannabe actors and friends of friends. It would have been easy to lose myself in them and forget everything.

If I had told her what had happened she would have been all for me getting revenge and making Zero wish he’d been more open with me. It wouldn’t have accomplished anything but sometimes I thought she was right. I thought about finding someone to parade in front of him. In my darkest moments I thought about asking Jelena if she’d do it. I was sure she wouldn’t have minded. There would have been something satisfying about punishing him with the woman who spurned him.

I didn’t ask him for the key back though I should have. Deep down in my heart I wanted to believe he’d be using it again soon.

 

"Jude, you have got to stop moping around! You’re never going to attract anyone if you keep walking around like someone died," Lionel said, spinning around in front of the mirror in her room at my father’s house. It was still hard to believe she’d married him. When I’d asked her if she wanted me to call her ‘Mom’ she’d laughed in derision.

She’d made me come over to help her pick out something to wear for her first official board meeting. I knew next to nothing about women’s clothing but she said that didn’t make a difference. I think she was lonely. After her movie flopped her friends from Hollywood weren’t returning her calls. Though she was in charge while Oscar was gone she felt like people were always waiting for her to make a mistake.

"I’m not moping. Maybe this is my normal face," I said. She rolled her eyes.

"If he’s moved on you need to move on too. It’s dragging me down seeing you like this."

Had I not been used to Lionel’s self-absorption I might have been more offended. I met her fake smile with one of my own. "I’ll try to keep that in mind."

"Anyway, I found someone you have got to meet. He’s my makeup artists’ cousin and he just had a bad breakup too. Maybe you could go be depressed together." I made a show of considering it like I did every other time she tried to push one of her acquaintances on me. I didn’t say anything. It was easier that way.

She hit me on the arm. "Just meet him. If you don’t hit it off that’s fine but at least you tried."

I forced myself to smile and nod but refused to make any commitments.

 

After a while it was pointless to resist Lionel. Every morning I’d wake up to a text message, an e-mail, or a voicemail talking about some hot new guy she’d found for me.

I couldn’t keep on holding out hope for something that would never happen. I hadn’t seen Zero in weeks. He’d send me texts and e-mails but they were all about his career, never anything personal. So I kept my replies professional, though I longed to ask him what was going on. Whenever I looked in the tabloids there were never any pictures of him with someone new. I clung to the thin hope that he was having a hard time too.

Lionel set me up on a date and made all the arrangements. All I had to do was show up. That was something different. I didn’t have to fight and scrape for attention and consideration. It was almost a relief. And if I didn’t like the guy I didn’t have to ever see him again.

The restaurant was middle of the road and crowded. I found my ‘date’ sitting by himself in a corner. He didn’t look any happier about meeting me than I did. I almost wanted to turn to the hostess and tell her I’d decided to eat alone. Still I forced myself to sit down across from him.

"You must be Jude," he said. I nodded.

"And you must be..." My mind blanked, suddenly forgetting everything Lionel had ever told me about him. I didn’t remember if she’d even told me his name, she had been too busy talking about how cute he was.

"Richard," he said, swirling his drink in the glass. "Lionel told me a lot about you. You’re a sports agent, right? I don’t really keep up with any of that." He said it like I shoveled dog shit for a living.

I shrugged. "I sort of fell into it. My dad...well, it’s complicated and I’m sure you’re not interested."

He snorted. "No, daddy issues I get." I waited for him to say more but he was busy examining the bottom of his glass.

"What do you do?"

"Little of this, little of that. I’m an assistant to a studio exec."

We sat in an uncomfortable silence for a few minutes, nursing our drinks. I ran out of ways to drag out finishing mine. Richard didn’t seem to have the same problem. I looked around to see where the exits were and glanced at my watch to see how soon I could politely excuse myself. I figured half an hour would be enough time.

Richard had his phone on the table and it buzzed from time to time with messages. He answered them almost before it stopped vibrating. I gave up trying to be polite and pulled my phone out too. Dozens of texts from Lionel greeted me, all asking how it was going. I almost expected to look up and see her waving at me from the bar.

As I held the phone I got another text. "Isn’t he cute?" she asked, following it with about a dozen unnecessary emoticons.

I glanced at him when he was buried in his phone. He wasn’t someone that would have stuck out in a crowd, at least not to me. He’d put about as much effort into dressing up for this as I could expect. He had on a dress shirt and designer jeans that fit him well. His blond hair was cut close to his skull and his face had a constant look of contempt. If I squinted a little I could pretend he looked like Zero, but I didn’t want to start down that path.

"Not really my type. And he doesn’t seem interested." I typed and then pushed send. Then I instantly felt guilty. It felt like I should make more of an effort instead of writing Richard off without even trying to get to know him. I cleared my throat and he put his phone down somewhat sheepishly. "I don’t think this is really working." He nodded in silent agreement. "Why did you come here anyway?"

Richard smirked down at his phone and then looked back at me. "Lionel and my sister kept on bugging me about meeting you and I figured what the hell." He waved his hand at the waitress and gestured at our empty drinks. "Two more please." Then he turned back to me. "You seem like a nice guy but I just broke up with my boyfriend a few weeks ago. I wanted commitment more than he did. I don’t know if I can put myself through that again."

At that I had to laugh. Richard looked at me like I was crazy. I put a hand over my mouth. "Sorry, that was mean. For a second there you sounded like the guy I was seeing. He didn’t want anything serious either. Wouldn’t even say we were in a relationship. He didn’t do them." The new drinks came and it took all I had not to down it in one go.

When I looked at Richard he was smiling sadly. "Guess they must have figured we’d make a good pair because of that." He took a long sip, looking me up and down like he’d only just met me. I gave him another quick glance of my own. He wasn’t anything special but maybe that was what I needed right now.

"Maybe she had the right idea," I said. "Maybe it’s better than being alone." For a moment I felt the crushing loneliness that had been swirling around inside me since that day at the arena. I took a drink.

Richard acted like he was thinking about something far away. He was staring off into the restaurant with intensity. I resisted the urge to see what he was looking at. When he finally turned back to me it seemed like something had changed. He gave me a warm smile and reached out for me. "Do you want to go somewhere more quiet?" he asked.

I let him take my hand. While he’d been having his own moment I’d been thinking about Zero. Mostly what I thought about was how we’d never done anything as normal as this, about how much I’d wanted to, no matter how much people would have stared. The pieces of me that still wanted that were reaching out to Richard. I swallowed the last of my drink. It wasn’t very strong and the alcohol had done little to drown my sorrows. "We could go to my apartment," I suggested.

He nodded in agreement and we soon made our way out onto the street.

  


Driving back home all of my doubts came into focus. Before I would never have done this. I wouldn’t have wanted to. But desperation was clawing at my skin, begging me to do something, anything, to get rid of the unhappiness that had settled in my bones. I tried to convince myself that this would help, this was what I wanted. It didn’t work but I felt I had to try. Maybe a distraction would make things hurt less.

I tried thinking about the positives. Richard had told me his name and it was actually his name, not a nickname he went by to hide who he really was. And his motivations and plans weren’t hidden deep underneath layer upon layer of bullshit that I’d have to peel back to get at his true self. They were right there on the surface. There was something refreshing about that. I could have fallen in love with that simplicity.

  


We wound up in the living room of my apartment. I wasn’t normally the kind of person who brought relative strangers home with me but at this point I wasn’t sure what kind of person I was anymore. It felt like I was at least doing something to change things. I wasn’t sitting around waiting for change to find me.

Richard had obviously been expecting something fancier and more expensive. He looked around my apartment and then at me. I hadn’t cleaned in a while and there were empty takeout boxes and piles of mail all over the place. Watching his face drop as soon as he saw how I lived was almost worth it all, in a masochistic kind of way. "I’m looking for a new place," I said apologetically. "I only just got enough of a raise to afford it."

He was slowly taking everything in. I didn’t have any pictures of friends or family hanging around where visitors could see. There was hardly anything that would have suggested who I was and what I did. He stopped in front of Zero’s jersey and looked at it and then back at me. I’d wanted to put it in storage like everything else that reminded me of him but I kept on making excuses to myself.

My words caught in my throat and I had to swallow deeply to free them. "A client," I said. His eyebrows raised but he didn’t say anything. I didn’t have anything from any of my other clients hanging up but he didn’t seem to notice that.

Finally he tired of looking through my things. Instead he was looking at me like I was on display just as much as my apartment. The scrutiny made me that much more nervous. When I’d invited him over I hadn’t given much thought to what we’d do once we got here.

"What do you want to do?" he asked rhetorically.

"I don’t know," I said. At that point as I was already committed to doing this. "Whatever you want."

While he had been wary before now he seemed willing to do anything. He kissed me. I didn’t quite know how to react at first but as his lips ran over mine I gave myself over to the sensation, closed my eyes, and went for it. His lips were dry and chapped but his kisses were deep ones that took my breath away. When we kissed I wanted there to be a spark more than anything. But no matter how much I told myself to just enjoy it the fact remained that I was kissing someone that I didn’t really know.

As things moved on nothing felt the way it used to, it was all different and new. Our bodies fit together differently, our skin rasped against each other like we were going to tear apart. It felt so strange and yet I knew anything going forward would feel just the same. It would all be variations on the same theme. It was stupid to cling to the way things had been. After we got over the initial awkwardness it was just sex. Sex that I found myself enjoying, but in a different way than before.

He stayed the night. I wasn’t in any position to tell him no. He slept way too close and woke me up in the middle of the night by sleepily putting his arm over me.

When I got up in the morning he was sitting in my kitchen eating cereal out of a bowl and reading texts on his phone. We nodded at each other and went about our morning routines as if the other person wasn’t there. I sat across from him trying to figure out what to say to him. He didn’t seem too concerned at all.

"About last night..," I started.

Richard immediately turned all his attention to me. "Pretty good, wasn’t it?" He smiled, his mouth still full of cereal. "I don’t know what I expected when Lionel said to meet you but it wasn’t that."

I was surprised that he’d enjoyed himself. The whole time before we’d got here he’d acted like he was above all of this somehow. It was only when we’d gotten into bed that all of that had fallen away and he wasn’t too proud to touch me. Maybe if I gave him a chance it would work out. "Yeah, I had fun too," I said, smiling at him. "Do you want to meet up sometime for dinner?"

His smile faltered but he quickly recovered. "Yeah, I wouldn’t mind doing that." He finished up his cereal quickly and rinsed the bowl out in the sink. "Give me a call sometime, okay?" He said it almost as an afterthought. I doubted that he’d answer if I called him.

~~~~~~~~~~~

Later that day I got a call from one of my contacts saying that they might be able to work with Zero. They wanted to meet with him in person first to gauge whether or not he was sincerely apologetic for what he’d done. He’d apparently already agreed to meet them for lunch but would only talk to them if I was there. I unfortunately didn’t have anything better to do that would delay the meeting.

When I hung up the phone I started pacing around the living room. I didn’t know if I was ready to see Zero with other people and pretend that I didn’t really know him all that well again.

My phone rang again. Lionel. I really didn’t want to talk to her but I knew if I didn’t answer she’d never leave me alone.

"Jude...how did it go? And I want details, not one word answers." Lionel was as nosy as ever but she was the closest thing I had to a friend right now. And I think she was a good friend, she at least cared about me on some level, more than anyone else had in quite some time. Since Zero.

"He was a nice guy but I think we both found out it was too soon."

"Found out?" She laughed a little. "So you slept with him." I didn’t answer, which apparently to her WAS an answer.

"Have you heard anything from Oscar?" I asked. I didn’t really care about him but anything was better than talking about Richard.

"I go there on visiting days. He stills thinks he’s going to get out on bail." I could hear the smile in her voice. "But you changed the subject Jude. Was it bad? I want to know. It’s all I have." There was a desperate tone to her voice.

"You’re telling me you’re being faithful to Oscar? I thought it was all a business arrangement between you."

"Doesn’t mean he wouldn’t take it out on me if he found out." No matter how loyal I was to Oscar I knew that he was capable of pretty much anything if he thought it would get him ahead. My mother had told me that, hell he’d told me that.

An idea popped into my head. I had a feeling after I saw Zero that I’d need to see a friendly face. "Are you doing anything tonight? I can give you the details then."

She laughed. "It’s a date."

  


I met with Zero and the brand rep at a small trendy restaurant that was the hip spot of the moment. The restaurant did some kind of fusion food and artisan cocktails that impressed tourists and locals alike. The brand rep had picked the place, I wasn’t sure who he was trying to impress. I got there last, the hostess led me outside to a table in a corner underneath an awning.

"Sorry I’m late. I’m Jude," I said, holding out my hand. The brand rep was bland and faceless. He told me his name as I shook his hand but I forgot it almost instantly.

"That’s fine. I hope you don’t mind we started without you." They each had plates of half-eaten food in front of them. I couldn’t even begin to think about eating right now. My stomach was clenched painfully in my chest.

"It’s fine, I ate before I came." They were sitting facing each other. I sat down at the side of the table facing the street so I could have something to look at that wasn’t Zero.

I could barely look at Zero without a smile threatening to take over my lips. He was wearing the most clean-cut suit he had and looked like he’d made every effort to be as straight-laced and conservative looking as possible. I had to bite down on my cheeks to maintain control over myself. If he had the same problem he was doing better at hiding it.

When I was talking with the brand rep I had to remind myself to act like everything was normal. I thought I was doing a good job. I even made a few awkward jokes. He laughed politely but he was here to see Zero, to make sure that prostitutes were a one time thing and that when you saw Zero promote something you didn’t automatically think about them. I gladly took a back seat to the negotiations. I wasn’t sure if I could put my personal issues aside long enough to make the case for Zero. That didn’t mean I wasn’t prepared to jump in to save him if things went badly.

Sitting there watching him talk about himself was almost like being in an alternate universe where I got exactly what I didn’t want. Zero was talking about his childhood but it was the fake made up one he’d created for himself. He pulled a much folded picture from his wallet of a nondescript family in front of a house that could have been anywhere. He used it to punctuate a story about how his parents hadn’t raised him like that. It had been a moment of weakness. He had a quote from the Bible for almost every situation. The brand rep was eating it up, so sure that Zero had succumbed to temptation only because he was so far away from home and the family that he loved.

Zero wouldn’t look at me directly but I’d catch him staring at me guiltily when he thought I wasn’t watching. He started to repeat some of the same stories. It was almost like he was begging me to call him out on all his bullshit. I let him continue digging a hole for himself. Everyone lied in this business. It was when the lies extended into personal life that it crossed a line. I tried to keep my face neutral, but my hand had a death grip on my thigh under the table.

"I’m so glad we were able to have this meeting," the rep said, standing up. He and Zero shook hands. "The tabloids really got the story about you all wrong. I’ll go back and talk about this with the merchandising team. I’ll let you know how it goes. I’m sure we’ll be able to work something out."

I managed a fake smile when the rep shook my hand. His hand was wet and clammy, mine was shaking. "Thank you for giving him a second chance," I said. The rep muttered a few more promises and then he was gone.

I’d done what I came here to do so I started to leave. "Jude? Where are you going?" Zero asked. "Sit down." The cockiness of the past hour was gone. This was just pure need.

I barely looked at him. The restaurant seemed to be teeming with life all around us. For a moment I wanted nothing more than to be at any of those other tables instead of here with him. Still I found myself sitting back down. "You’ve as good as got the contract back. What else do you need from me?" I asked, my voice venom.

He was playing around with his silverware nervously, moving each piece left and right, up and down. "This is the first time I’ve seen you in months."

It took all of the control I had left to stop myself from making this into a scene. "You know why that is. I told you what I wanted. I didn’t let it get in the way of being your agent."

"We’re in public." He gestured to all of the tables surrounding us. "I can be Gideon now." There was a pleading note in his voice.

My heart, weak as it was, loved giving people second chances. Especially people that probably didn’t deserve them. "And you’ll tell the truth?"

Zero laid his hands face up on the table. "I’ve never lied to you before, I’m not going to start now."

"Fine. Is that picture you showed him really your family?" I figured I’d start small and see if he really trusted me enough to let me in.

In response he took out his wallet and handed the photo to me. Up close it was hard to believe anyone would think this was his family. There was a bland looking mom and dad hugging each other while their two kids sat in front of them smiling benignly. None of them looked like Zero at all. The house behind them was immaculate and there wasn’t even a blade of grass out of place. I flipped it over. There was the name of a photography studio and nothing else. He watched me looking at it and acted like he wanted to say something but wasn’t quite sure how.

"Where’d you get this?’

"Found it." He scratched at his head nervously and looked at a spot off in the distance.

"Recently?" I asked, though I knew he’d had to have had it a long time. It was too faded.

"No...I was in fifth grade I think. Found it in a dumpster." He wouldn’t look at me, his eyes shifted between points to the left and right of me. "It made explaining things easier."

"So you could pretend."

Zero shook his head. "It’s a lot easier to pretend things were good than admit they weren’t." I handed the photo back to him. He put it back in his wallet carefully. He acted like he’d told me enough, like the story of how he’d found the picture made up for months of nothing. This was a start but it didn’t explain anything. I wanted more. I think he knew that.

An awkward silence laid between us. I could have said something but it wouldn’t have helped. I played with the unused silverware in front of me.

He looked at his watch. "This has been fun but I’ve gotta get to practice."

"That’s fine. I’ve gotta go get ready to meet someone for dinner later." I didn’t want to get too specific. I was curious if he’d care.

A muscle twitched near Zero’s eye. "Danny?"

I was surprised that he’d remembered and surprised that he’d think the only person I could possibly be with was Danny. That was the one person who I definitely would not be seeing again. Danny had left me a long angry voicemail about not leading people on. He hadn’t responded to any of my apologies. I felt bad about inviting him to the party and not showing up. Sometimes when I was feeling really depressed I thought about how it might have been if I’d met him there. Would it all have worked out differently? I swallowed hard and shook my head. "No. It’s a new guy. Lionel introduced us. He’s an assistant to a studio exec." The lie came easily to my lips. Richard had left the door open for another time, surely that counted?

The muscle twitched again. He gave me one of his fake easy smiles. "Good for you."

"Are you seeing anyone?" I had to ask, it was only polite. My hands clenched under the table, unsure if he’d tell me.

There was a pause then he nodded slowly. "Yeah, I am. She’s great," he said in a monotone, not even trying to be enthusiastic. I wasn’t sure whether or not to believe him, though it would have been harder to believe he hadn’t found someone else.

My thoughts fluttered between trusting him and thinking he was hiding something. I didn’t have time to deal with it right now. "I hope you two are happy." It was my turn to look at my watch. "I’ve gotta get going. I’ll let you know when he gets back to me. We should really meet up again sometime." I pushed out my chair and walked away from him as quickly as I could. It felt like I was going to vomit.


	3. Chapter 3

3.

Lionel had started a bottle of wine when I met up with her later. She poured another glass and placed it down in front of me. Her usually immaculate hair and makeup were a thing of the past. There was lipstick on her teeth and her hair hung in a frizzled mess. All of her clothing looked like she’d slept in it. Even though she looked like hell she still managed a smile for me. "Drink up. You look like you had the kind of day I had."

I drank, forcing myself to go slowly. "Board meeting go badly?"

She rubbed at her eyes. "You could say that. Oscar left a lot of things up in the air with the arena and the team. It’s exhausting running all over the place trying to get it all in order." She took a deep drink. "It doesn’t help that I have to see Pete and Sloane together all the time."

I didn’t say anything. I knew that if Oscar hadn’t disowned me I’d be the one dealing with all of this. Maybe I’d lucked out. Still guilt won out over pride. "Do you need any help?" Lionel was my friend. I wouldn’t leave her all alone to deal with it.

Her face brightened slightly. "Actually if you could come by the arena sometime and help me decipher some of Oscar’s files I’d really appreciate it. He’s got so many dummy files it’s hard to tell what’s real and what’s there to show to the auditors." I wasn’t sure why she thought I would have a better idea.

I hadn’t been back to the arena since the last time I’d spoken to Zero. Before him it had been a refuge, a quiet place where I could go to think and figure things out. Now the two were entwined and I couldn’t think at all. "Sure, I can make time."

She looked at me strangely, almost on the verge of asking me a question, but then she thought better of it. "I don’t even like basketball and now it’s my whole life," she muttered angrily to herself. "I’m going to go powder my nose." She pushed her chair out and walked off to the bathroom.

I pulled my phone out of my pocket and checked for messages. Nothing of any interest, not even something about the meeting I’d had earlier today. And if I thought there’d be anything from Zero I knew I’d be disappointed. So I drank instead.

Lionel came back looking more put together. She shook her head at me angrily. "Why didn’t you tell me what I looked like? The last thing I need is some paparazzi taking pictures of me like this."

"I thought you had bigger things to worry about."

She snorted. "So why do you look like hell?"

I tapped the wine glass. "I had to go to a business lunch with my ex and try to put his life back together." After I told her, I instantly wanted to take it all back.

Lionel was staring at me, a dawning realization coming over her face. "You were dating one of your clients?!" I could see her trying to figure out who it was. It wouldn’t take her long. "Isn’t that against some kind of code of ethics?"

"What? No! They’re two different things." I had to stop myself, if I kept on talking I would tell her everything and I’d have no control over what she decided to do with it. It felt like I was drowning and I had to swallow to get any air. I had to change the subject. "So Richard . . . sex with him was great. He knew just where to touch." But she was off already.

Her eyes flashed. "It’s Zero, isn’t it? That’s who you were seeing." She licked her lips and leaned back in her chair. "I’d never have guessed."

My words stuck in my throat. This was a bad idea, a dumb slip of the tongue was going to change everything. "Well it’s over now so let’s drop it."

Lionel shrugged. "Doesn’t sound like it."

"He’s dating someone new," I said.

She rolled her eyes. "Why would you let that stop you? I don’t."

I remembered how Zero had tried to talk to me today. He’d been awkwardly reaching out and trying to give me more the only way he knew how. "I don’t really know him." It felt like I was scrambling for reasons to reject him.

Lionel poured the rest of the wine into both of our glasses. "Then keep on moping around and fucking random guys. That’s really working out for you."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I went to see Lionel a few days later. The arena was pretty much as I had left it, though it was slowly being emptied out before the move to the new location. There was a flurry of activity everywhere as workers moved back and forth. I knew the team was still practicing here until construction on the new location was finished. I hoped they weren’t practicing today.

I found Lionel in Oscar’s office, or rather her office. She was bent over a laptop and didn’t notice me in the doorway. I knocked on the doorframe. She gave me what looked like a genuine smile. "Jude, come on in. I was getting this set up so you could look at it."

I sat down at the desk and tried to push away everything that could distract me. A brief thought passed through me that one day I could have been sitting here as the owner of the team had things worked out differently. I helped her out for a couple of hours. Most of it was spent trying to piece together Oscar’s code for all of his various financial entanglements. It was boring work but it wasn’t thinking about my personal life. For a few hours it felt like I had everything under control and it wasn’t going to slip again.

My phone vibrated on the desk. I reached out for it and read the e-mail I’d received. I had to read it a couple of times to get back into the proper frame of mind. It was from the brand rep, he wanted me to get some papers for Zero to sign. They’d agreed to a new contract. I slammed my phone back down on the table. I didn’t want to think about any of that now. But when I went back to looking at the laptop, I couldn’t get back to the same head space I was in before. I had to leave. Lionel looked up as I left her office. If she needed an explanation I’d tell her later. Staying here was making me claustrophobic. It was hard to breathe.

I practically ran out of the building. Everything was conspiring to remind me of Zero and Oscar. All the happy memories I had of being here were eclipsed by the bad ones. I’d been in such a hurry that I didn’t pay attention to what was going on around me. I went down a hallway and ran into the Devils’ squad coming out of practice. I hadn’t seen Zero yet so I ducked down a side hallway and hoped he hadn’t seen me. I watched them all pass, flashes of red blocking out the light. After they’d all gone, I stepped out into the hallway and went the other way. I thought I’d been careful.

"Jude, is that you?" Zero. My first instinct was to keep going and pretend I hadn’t heard him. But he came jogging after me. "What are you doing here?" He touched my shoulder. I had to stop.

I turned to face him. He was almost completely unguarded, all his bravado was gone. There was a sheen of sweat on his skin and he looked less put together than he usually did. "Lionel asked me to look at some of Oscar’s files for her. Don’t worry, I’m leaving."

His eyes narrowed. "Why would I want you to leave?" My heart thundered in my chest.

"Fine, maybe you don’t want me to but I need to." Neither of us moved. I looked away from him, desperate for a way to change all this. "The rep called, he was able to get a new contract for you. Not as much money but it’s something. I was going to go get the paperwork for you to sign."

He was staring at me like he couldn’t quite figure me out. Mentally I wished him luck. Finally he spoke. "Why don’t I go with you then?"

I struggled to think of a reason that it wasn’t a good idea but couldn’t. "Yeah, maybe that’d work out better."

Zero smiled. "I don’t have anything else going on today. We could hang out at my place afterwards if you want." I swallowed heavily. He stepped closer and slapped my back. "I knew I could count on you," he said. His smile should have destroyed me. It was all I could do to remind myself to not start hoping again.

No matter how much better it would have been if I stayed away from him he could always pull me back in.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

The rep was happy to see Zero and show him off around the office. Zero let him, making polite conversation with everyone and signing autographs. I stayed in the background and watched as he performed his little charade for everyone. And he was good at it too. They ate up his platitudes and stories and asked for more. I wondered why I was pretty much the only one who could see how much he was faking it.

After an hour of watching him he finally pulled away, saying he’d wasted enough of their time. He tapped me on the arm and nodded to the exit. I followed him. He never dropped character until we were in the parking lot. Then he looked at me. He was exhausted. "Tell me I don’t have to do that again."

I didn’t say anything. We both knew he’d have to do it again if he wanted any chance at putting his life back together. It was part of the game.

We had driven separately so I started to head back to my car. I was ready to go home and put all of this behind me. Zero wasn’t. He reached out and tugged on my arm. "Come on, follow me back to my place. It’s not far from here."

Any objections that I had died in my throat. "Sure," I said.

I followed him somewhat closely, though each time he took a turn I thought about just going straight and letting him go on without me. A few times I even started to do it before I thought better of it. Instead I followed him.

Zero parked in a lot in the middle of a bunch of restaurants and random stores. There were bushes planted around the border so you couldn’t see inside very well from the street. I parked next to him. He pulled on a hoodie with the hood up before getting out of his car. Then he took a pair of sunglasses out of his pocket and put them on. He gave me a small smile. "Most of the paparazzi leave me alone now but it doesn’t hurt to be careful."

Suddenly a lot of things started to make sense. Why he’d stayed over as much as he did, why he always seemed reluctant to go home, why he’d park his car far away from my apartment.

"Do I need to do that too?" I asked. The last thing I wanted was to be all over the tabloids. Oscar would love that.

He shrugged. "If you want. Just watch where I go and follow me after five minutes. I’ll let you in." And, after he gave me a reassuring smile, he jumped out onto the sidewalk and was gone. I watched him walk up to a building seemingly at random and go inside.

I waited the five minutes, keeping an eye on the sidewalk and the street. If there was anyone waiting there to ambush me I certainly didn’t see them. After self-consciously running a hand through my hair I followed him.

The door he’d gone through turned out to be a service entrance. I found myself in a dimly lit hallway that led to a freight elevator, some unmarked stairs, and a door that looked like it led down to a basement. It was something out of a bad horror movie and Zero wasn’t anywhere to be seen. I wanted to turn around and leave, this had to be a mistake, but when I tried to turn the door handle it had locked from the outside.

"Shit," I hissed to myself. The lights took that moment to sputter out, plunging me into darkness.

Then the doorway I thought led to the basement opened up and light spilled into the hallway. "Come on," Zero said. "I’ll take you up." After staring at him in shock for a minute I followed him through the door and into the lobby. There was a bank of elevators on the side of the lobby nearest the door we’d entered. A guard was sitting at a desk on the other side watching a row of televisions set into the desk in front of him. He barely gave us a glance.

Zero had pushed the button for the elevator. It arrived a few seconds later and we both stepped inside. I kept to the side furthest away from him, keeping plenty of room between us. He pushed a button and the elevator started to move. I couldn’t keep still, my fingers tapped against my leg in a tempo I couldn’t get out of my head. I still couldn’t believe that I’d agreed to do this.

The elevator doors slid open with a solid thunk, revealing a short hallway that lead to a heavy duty wooden door. Zero paused for a moment and pulled his keys out of his pocket and unlocked the door. Once it was open he gestured for me to go inside. There wasn’t much furniture though what little was there looked expensive. A stack of boxes sat in the corner of the living room. He still hadn’t unpacked everything. It was unsettling, it all felt unfinished, like he wasn’t going to stay long.

There wasn’t really anywhere to sit so I stayed standing near the doorway. Zero shrugged off the hoodie and put his sunglasses down on the kitchen counter. "Do you want anything to drink?" he asked.

"No, I’m fine." I leaned against the wall, crossing my arms.

Zero seemed almost embarrassed by his apartment. I wondered if the rest of the rooms were like this or if he’d taken more care with them. He straightened up some of the boxes and tried to clear off a place where we could sit. I couldn’t believe that he’d been here for months and still hadn’t unpacked. He’d never talked about moving or leaving but maybe it was always on his mind. He hadn’t been in Ohio very long before he moved here and before that who knew where life had taken him. Maybe it was easier not to unpack. It was hard to imagine Jelena overlooking all of this when she’d been with him though.

"Are you planning on moving?" I asked, sitting down on the couch as he made space for me.

"Maybe. Gotta be prepared for anything." He laughed nervously.

I sat on his couch and watched him nervously try to straighten up. When he finally couldn’t pretend to move anything else he sat down next to me, but on the edge of the couch as if he couldn’t wait to jump up and go somewhere else.

"Well, I’m here," I said. "What did you want to do?"

Zero ran his hands over his legs nervously. "I wanted to say I’m sorry for not calling you." For a moment it was like time itself had stopped. It was only when my chest started to hurt that I realized I’d forgotten to breathe. When I started again it burned. If he noticed he didn’t let it show. "I wanted to. I just didn’t know how to give you what you wanted."

"If it helps, I wasn’t expecting you to call." It all came out in a rush. I remembered back to the days after he’d won the championship. I came up with a hundred excuses for why he wouldn’t have had time or a reason to call. And then all those expectations slowly went away as time passed. I should have just left for good.

A flicker of irritation crossed his face. "You didn’t?"

"No, I didn’t." He opened his mouth to interrupt me. "I wasn’t wrong. When you did finally contact me again it was all about your contract. For all that shit about you trusting me and never lying to me you sure forgot about me fast." I stood up and went to the door. Anger that had been swimming deep inside of me was threatening to burst out and I wanted to leave before I let it show.

Zero came over to the door. "Can you just listen to me for one second?" I stopped, swallowing hard to keep myself under control. "When you told me you were dating someone else all I could think about was how I’d screwed it all up with you and I didn’t know why." He paused, his jaw clenched. "I don’t think I’ve really had anyone who cared about me before."

The idea seemed unbelievable, but from the little he’d told me I realized it was probably true. That it had taken this long for someone to care about him was depressing. No matter how dark things had gotten for me I’d at least had my mom to go to for support. He hadn’t even had that.

"I know I’ve been an asshole. You’re right, I don’t know how to be Gideon anymore. Maybe I never did." He turned away from me and started to walk back to the couch.

I let him take a few steps before I grabbed his arm and pulled him back over to face me. "If you want this . . . whatever you want to call it . . . with me, I want you to at least act like you want to be with me."

Zero looked ashamed. "All I can do is try, Jude. I can’t promise much but I can at least promise that."

I watched him for a moment, trying to gauge whether or not I believed him and if I wanted to go through all of the emotional torment that would be a relationship with him. He probably wasn’t going to change. I probably wasn’t going to change. Then again there weren’t any guarantees with anything.

Finally I decided that being with him, in all that encompassed, was better than being alone and trying to deal with life all by myself. No one else would truly understand what it was like as closely as he could. I grabbed him and kissed him hungrily. Kissing Richard hadn’t filled the emptiness, though I’d tried to convince myself of it at the time. My hands went to Zero’s cheeks and held his face in place. I hadn’t realized how much I’d missed the feeling of his stubble against my skin. He slowly worked his hands up from where they’d settled on my hips to my face. My lungs were burning, pleading for air inside my chest but I didn’t want to let go.

But my body eventually gave up and I had to pull away. He still had his eyes closed. I slowly let my hands slip off of him and stepped back. It didn’t feel real. It almost didn’t feel like I could trust that all of this wasn’t a dream.

"I’ve got to think about this, ok?" I asked. Everything in me was screaming that I should jump at this chance, grab on and never let go. But that kind of thinking was dangerous and had let me down before. I wanted to go home and think about it all rationally before plunging into something that could hurt us both again.

Zero didn’t argue with me though I could see the words on his lips. "Sure, take your time," his voice was almost wistful. I started to open the door to the hallway. He ran over to one of the boxes and came back holding out his hand. In his palm was a key. "If you want to come back. I’ll tell the doorman not to hassle you."

I took it. The metal was warm from being in his hand. "Thank you," I said softly and left.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I drove home driving my crappy car like it was the Porsche I’d put in storage. Everything sped past me in a blur of color and sound. I probably shouldn’t have been driving at all. My mind couldn’t believe that he’d finally realized that he wanted to be with me, that he wanted to try and reveal more of himself to me.

Once I finally got home I found myself pacing back and forth in my living room. My mind was jumping to a thousand different conclusions about why he’d picked now, after so long, to give me that slender bit of hope. When I’d talked to him yesterday he’d said that he was seeing someone. If he was there wasn’t any evidence of her at his apartment and he hadn’t talked about her at all. The last thing I needed was to help him hurt someone else.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When I fell asleep that night it was full of dreams. It had taken me hours to get to a point where I even wanted to think about sleep. My dreams were full of shadowy figures pulling me back and forth tearing me to pieces. Oscar’s voice boomed in the background repeating what he’d told me over and over. I’d never amount to anything and I wasn’t his son. I should realize my limitations and give up. Giving up seemed so easy when I could barely keep myself together.

I woke up and looked at the clock. I’d only been able to get an hour or two of sleep, but I was so anxious I didn’t think I’d be able to get back to sleep at all that night. So I wound up sitting in the kitchen watching the seconds turn into minutes and the minutes into hours. The night faded away into day. Even having all of that time to think didn’t make deciding what to do any easier. Either way this was going to hurt someone.

When it was finally time to go to work the day passed in a slow-moving blur. Everyone seemed to sense that something was off with me and gave me a wide berth. I found myself reading the same e-mails over and over with nothing sticking in my head. It was a good thing I didn’t have any meetings today. I don’t think I would have been good for anyone like this.

Once I’d put in enough work for the day, or at least looked like I had, I got in my car and started driving without a deliberate destination in mind. I could have gone home and forgot about everything or I could go to Zero’s and see where it took me. I didn’t like this uncertainty. I went through most of my life doing what I thought I had to do to please other people-my father, Lionel, my clients. This time I wanted to focus on myself and what would make me happy. It had been a long time since I’d let myself act on it. And even longer since I’d been able to not feel guilty about it. I certainly never dared hope when Oscar was around.

I found myself at the same parking lot by Zero’s apartment. It took me a few minutes to work up the courage to even get out of the car. Was this how he’d felt waiting for me when he’d stopped by my apartment?

I resolved to go in through the front and act like I belonged there. I was going to have more control over this, he wouldn’t be the one using me. We’d use each other. There would be give and take.

The doorman barely glanced up as I went through the doors and pushed the button for Zero’s floor. I straightened out my suit and hoped that I looked more put together than I felt. Thankfully the elevator was empty when the door finally opened. I wasn’t sure how long my bravado would last faced with the scrutiny of a stranger. The hallway to his apartment was deserted. I had the key in my hand and it felt like it weighed a thousand pounds. It was all I could do to keep it in my hand.

The longer I stood in the hallway the more excuses I started to make to myself about why I couldn’t go in even though he’d given me a key. Excuses stacked up until there were more reasons to not use the key than ever before. It took far longer to convince myself to put the key in the lock and turn it. It went easily and the door opened smoothly. I think that if there had been any trouble at all with it I would have left and never come back.

There weren’t any lights on and most of the window shades were down. I could make out vague shapes in the dark. I fumbled around looking for a light switch. At any moment I was expecting Zero to come though the door and demand to know what I was doing there. I tried not to let that stop me. He’d given me a key for a reason. He trusted me. It was the same reason I’d given him one.

I took a minute to calm down and then decided to walk through the rest of the apartment. He’d already seen all of my apartment and he’d gone through my things too because I hadn’t left Olivia’s letter out where anyone could find it. The living room and kitchen were much the same as they had been yesterday. The boxes were more organized and didn’t act like they were going to fall over when I walked next to them. A hallway led off from the living room into the rest of the apartment. The first room was an empty bedroom that only held a bedframe and a bare mattress. I looked inside briefly and then closed the door.

His bathroom was luxurious. It could have fit three or four of mine with room to spare. The counters were bare. I opened the medicine cabinet above the sink and there wasn’t anything there that was out of the ordinary. There was a tub that could fit two or three people set against one wall and a shower stall that was twice the size of mine on the other. It was all way more comfortable than my cramped bathroom that barely fit one person, let alone two. If he had this to go home to I didn’t understand why he was always at my place using up all the hot water.

It was only when I got to the master bedroom that I found where he probably spent most of his time. His bed was in the center of the room facing a giant TV. There were lamps set along the wall. The windows were covered and the room felt like a cave. It was a place where you could hunker down and shut out the outside world if you wanted. I turned on one of the lamps. He hadn’t made the bed and the sheets were tangled together.

I barely made it to the living room after I heard a key in the lock. It turned and the door swung open. Zero stood there with a duffel bag slung over his shoulder. He saw me and raised an eyebrow before closing the door. His duffel bag was tossed on the floor carelessly. He pulled a beer out of the fridge and started drinking it. "Didn’t think I’d see you here."

I shrugged. "You gave me a key."

"Didn’t mean you’d use it." He pointed his beer at me. "Want one?"

"Sure." I nearly dropped it as he tossed it at me. "I can leave if you want."

"Do what you want. I’m gonna take a shower after I finish this." He drank the rest of his beer and set the empty bottle on the counter. The next thing I knew he’d taken off his shirt and thrown it on the couch.

I waited until I heard water running. Zero didn’t seem interested in me at all. It had been stupid to come here. But I had to see this through. My shirt and suit coat joined his on the couch.

The bathroom was full of steam and I could only just make him out in the shower stall. I tossed the rest of my clothes with his on the floor. He was facing away from me and didn’t react when I opened the door and got in. The water almost felt like it was boiling when it hit me and I flinched. My hand reached out to touch him but stopped just before it met his skin. The next thing I knew he’d leaned back just enough that we touched. I pulled away instantly. He turned his head to look at me, squinting to keep the water out of his eyes. "Took you long enough."

"You knew I’d come after you?" I hated being predictable.

"I practically invited you." His hands ran up my arms, pinning me in place. He leaned closer, his lips almost touching mine. Then he hovered there waiting for me to close the gap. And I did, gladly. For a moment I could ignore the water running over us and let myself forget about everything that was pressing down on me. His hands kept running up and down my arms when we kissed. I found myself pushing him against the wall attacking him with harsh greedy kisses that he didn’t pull away from.

I’d only just gotten used to kissing him again when he pushed me against the wall. I pulled him closer. Our bodies burned against each other. The humidity was rising, the air felt like it was almost solid. His hands slipped down my chest and then touched my cock. I moaned into his mouth, the few inhibitions that I had slipping away. My hands tightened on his face, desperate for him. He obliged, running his fingers up and down my cock until I was harder than I thought was possible.

Zero stopped kissing my lips and instead started to suck on my neck. Even though my control over my body was failing I was able to move one of my hands down to his cock. It was half hard and twitched beneath my fingers. My eyes slid closed. It was all I could do to concentrate on the feeling of flesh on flesh. The wall behind me kept me grounded, the tile was cooler than the water and steam. It felt like the only thing keeping me from fainting.

Everything melted away. All my worries and fears were nothing. The whole world was our hands on each others’ cocks and lips on each others’ skin. I could feel release building inside of me. I must have subconsciously been blocking out the sounds of him groaning against me. When I paid attention again it was suddenly all I could hear and I wondered how I’d missed it. He seemed like he was approaching the edge too. We were resting our heads on each others’ shoulders, the only movement our hands stroking up and down.

"Jude," Zero gasped against my neck. He shuddered into me as he came. It didn’t take much more to push me over the edge. I grabbed onto his shoulders to stop myself from falling. All my strength I had left me. And still the water was beating down on us just as hot as it had been when I got in. If we’d been at my apartment we would have been frozen.

Zero pulled away from me slowly and turned the shower off. Suddenly the world outside came rushing in and I realized where I was and who I was with. Self-consciousness settled down on me. It was all I could do to keep from covering myself up. He tossed me a towel. I caught it, glad to have something to do with my hands.

"Come on," he said from the doorway, arranging the towel around his waist. "Unless you want to stay in there all day."

I grabbed my clothes and followed him into the bedroom and got dressed. I’d only had a brief moment to look in here before he’d come home. Now that I had more time I took a closer look. There was something pink sticking out from under the bed. I pulled it out and put it on the bed. A bra. It was lacy and looked expensive. Something twisted in me. "Do you have a girlfriend?"

Zero had been getting dressed on the other side of the room. When he noticed me staring at something on his bed he stopped and came over. He held the bra up in front of himself. "Must have been from the escort from last week," he said casually. Any momentary weakness I might have felt for him was gone at that moment.

"You’ve been calling escorts?" I demanded. "What happened to getting your career back on track?" All of the doubts I’d been keeping deep inside rose to the surface. No matter what I did he was going to fall back into the same patterns. It was pointless to pretend otherwise.

He shrugged. "I can still do that. She was an escort I knew from before. We only got together a couple of times. She didn’t care who I was. It was just sex. It wasn’t serious." For a moment he looked ashamed. He gestured between us. "You and me-we weren’t together."

I clenched my jaw and sighed. "This was a bad idea." I took the key out of my pocket and tossed it on the bed. "If you want to make a mess out of your life-be my guest. I’m going home. If you still want me to be your agent, great, but I’m through covering for you."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When I got home I was so messed up I couldn’t think and going to bed was a horrible idea that I knew wouldn’t amount to anything but lying there thinking about how stupid I was. Of course when things got tough he’d take the easy way out. He’d keep on self-destructing and leaving me to pick up the pieces. If I wanted to be with Zero I had to expect that whenever things didn’t go the way he wanted he was going to fall back into old habits.

My apartment right now was a reflection of how I felt inside. I hadn’t cleaned or done anything to hold back the outside world and create a space for myself. There were piles of mail and dirty dishes all over the place. I’d been putting off cleaning for a while, always promising myself I’d do it tomorrow. But tomorrow never came. It felt like now was the time.

I got a bunch of garbage bags and threw pretty much everything away that I could find. It didn’t matter that I’d probably find out later that I’d thrown away something important, right now the only thing that mattered was getting rid of everything that was holding me back. Bills, letters, advertisements, they all joined together with takeout boxes in a bundle that I put by the door to take to the dumpster later. After I did that I went to work scrubbing and vacuuming everything, trying to erase any trace of my mistakes.

Finally the only thing left in the room I hadn’t touched was Zero’s jersey. I wanted to smash the frame and burn it. I knew I’d regret it though, so I wound up putting it and everything that reminded me of him in a closet behind a bunch of empty boxes. I didn’t know if I would ever get it out again.

Once everything was back where it was supposed to be it felt like I was taking control again. And then I did something I never thought I’d do. I called Richard. It felt like exchanging one bad situation for another but at the time I didn’t know what other choice I had. Being alone didn’t help anyone.


	4. Chapter 4

4.

I met Richard at a bar he suggested that he’d said was close to his apartment. It wasn’t a place that I would have gone otherwise but right then I wasn’t too picky. It was a loud bar full of people that were all trying desperately to be noticed. It was exactly what I didn’t need right now. The doorman hadn’t been too interested in me at all and had barely looked at me before letting me in. I guessed I must have made the cut somehow, though he was turning back people who looked a lot better than I did.

It took a long time to push past all the people who were jammed in the doorway waiting to get to the bar. There were only two bartenders to serve the flood of people and they were having a hard time keeping up with demand. I joined the crush. Richard hadn’t said where he’d be or what he’d be wearing. When he’d suggested meeting here I’d assumed it would be easy to find him but now that I was here it seemed impossible. It was dark and everyone looked the same in the half-light. Nobody seemed to be paying any attention to me, which was frustrating and liberating all at once. Somehow I managed to get a beer at the bar and find a spot on the wall to lean against so I could at least look like I was meant to be there. I checked my phone again. Nothing. I sent him a quick text to see if he was around and tried to relax. I was still trying to figure out the whole Zero situation in my head. I had a feeling it wasn’t going to be fixed that easily.

"Jude, you made it!" Richard said, appearing next to me and slapping me on the shoulder. It looked like he’d been here for a while. His shirt was rumpled and there was a glazed look in his eyes.

"Yeah, I got here a few minutes ago. I wasn’t sure if I’d ever find you," I said. He looked distracted. He kept on staring off into the distance and at other people. I tried not to let it bother me.

"It’s really busy tonight. Isn’t it great?!" he yelled into my ear. I nodded in agreement, though right now all I could feel were the crowds of people pushed up against me and a thousand different fragments of other peoples’ conversations.

"Let’s go sit down." Before I knew it he’d slung his arm over my shoulder and was steering me toward a table in the back. It was a lot less crowded, something I wouldn’t have expected. He pulled me into the back of the bar. We sat down next to each other at a booth near the bathrooms. There were a few people sitting near us but not close enough to hear anything that they were saying. Richard kept his arm around me and was constantly leaning in close to talk to me.

"I didn’t think you’d be calling me again this soon," he said into my ear. "Not that I mind." His hand went right for my crotch.

"Something came up. I wanted to see you," I said. It sounded desperate and pathetic and I instantly wanted to take it all back. Thankfully he didn’t act like he’d heard me. He was busy checking something on his phone. I shrugged my way out of his grasp and checked my own. There were still the texts from Lionel I hadn’t answered. She wanted to know what the hell was going on with me. Nothing from Zero. And why would there be? He didn’t do relationships. He was probably calling an escort right now. I put my phone away and chugged the rest of my beer angrily.

Richard leaned over and nibbled at my ear. "Ready to go back to my place?"

"Yeah, let’s get out of here," I said. We picked our way out through the crowd and he led me back to his apartment.

 

Richard’s apartment was nicer than mine, which was something I hadn’t expected. No wonder he’d turned his nose up at mine. His decorating style was minimalist and stark. Everything was dark woods with sharp corners and earth tones. His door opened right into the living room and it was like walking into a furniture store showroom. It was very planned, everything had a place and a purpose. There were coasters on the end tables and a tray for his mail on a stand by the door. I’m sure being in my ramshackle apartment where nothing was in any kind of order must have annoyed him to no end.

He left me alone in the living room as he stalked off into one of the other rooms. I took a quick look around but there wasn’t really anything to see. There weren’t any pictures of friends or family and no mementoes of trips. There wasn’t anything that revealed anything about him as a person. Maybe he’d gone through a mad cleaning spree just like I had. Everything was minimally lit and it felt intimate, like all of his attention would be on me. There weren’t any distractions. I would have sat down but it felt like if I did I’d tear out of my own skin. I still couldn’t believe I was doing this, especially since it felt like it was for all the wrong reasons.

Richard came back into the room and looked at me strangely. "You can sit down, you know," he said. "This isn’t a display room."

I sat awkwardly and he sat down next to me. The sofa looked like it was a bunch of wood nailed together and covered with a sheet, there was no padding. It was just as uncomfortable as it looked."Sorry," I said.

He leaned in closer. "So why did you call me?"

I sighed heavily. The truth was that I didn’t really know. "I had to see my ex and . . ."

"That sucks," he said, though I could tell he really didn’t care. Right then he was busy trying to unbutton my shirt. I let him.

Even though he wasn’t listening I still kept on talking. "I had to see him for work. It made me remember some of the shit he used to pull," I said. There was a lot more that I wanted to say. It was all stuck in my throat, waiting for a sign.

Richard nodded in commiseration but it was obvious he was barely listening. His fingers made their way underneath my shirt and touched my chest. I was suddenly aware of just how cold it was. He was nibbling at my neck. It was making me aware of nerve endings I didn’t know I had. I swallowed and all the things I wanted to say disappeared.

He smiled. "And you needed a distraction, right?" His lips were at my throat. It took all I had not to give in right away. What I really wanted to do was talk to someone who would understand. I’d thought maybe he would. It would have made it all easier somehow.

Instead his hands were slowly running all over me. I couldn’t control my reactions. Soon it was pointless to pretend that I wasn’t getting turned on. I decided to go with it for right now. His hands were playing around the waist of my pants. All of this was getting me hard, though I almost felt guilty about it. I started kissing him back, trying to equalize the pressure I felt inside with the outside. I peeled his clothes back. Richard leaned forward and our chests touched.

It all went out of control after that. Somehow we made it to the bedroom, clothes were discarded, and we moved together awkwardly, unable to coordinate anything together the way it would have worked out best. Still eventually it all clicked and felt good. It was an escape.

I was starting to see why Zero used escorts. All of the hard parts of having a relationship-listening to each other’s problems, dealing with the other person’s insecurities-none of that was there when you didn’t have to see the other person again. And while I could see why Zero would have liked it, being with Richard was making me see how much I didn’t. Right now I could have been anybody. For a small period of time it was only about pleasure.

I drowned in it.

 

I stayed the night. Richard started off sleeping apart from me but when I woke up in the middle of the night he was all over me holding me down. His bedroom was just as impersonal as the rest of his apartment. The only thing that hinted that he might have a life outside of it all was a small picture of a woman on the bedside table next to his alarm clock. It was a small faded black and white photo of a blonde-haired woman giving off what felt like a genuine smile. He’d pinned me down so all I had to look at was her smile and the glowing green light of the alarm clock next to it keeping track of all the hours until dawn.

In the morning he barely looked at me. It was hard for me to look at him too. We exchanged awkward nods over cups of coffee. "That picture in your bedroom, who is it?" I asked. After spending most of the night looking at her I almost felt like I knew her.

Richard stared at me for a long time. I hadn’t realized it was going to be such a big deal. "It’s a picture of my mom." From his expression I couldn’t tell if she was still alive or if she was dead. He tapped his fingers on the table. "Since this looks like this isn’t going to be a one time only thing, can we lay down some ground rules?"

"Sure," I didn’t know where this was going but I was pretty sure wherever it was I was going to be disappointed.

"I’m not looking for a serious relationship right now. If you want to keep hooking up, hanging out, that’s great, but I don’t really want anything deeper than that." He wouldn’t look at me. "I wanted to get that out now, before someone’s feelings get hurt."

I closed my eyes and tried to put all of this into perspective. It was the second time in a few months that someone had said they weren’t interested in me for anything more than sex and having fun. It wasn’t any easier to listen to the second time. At least this time I could say that I didn’t really have any feelings for him. And I had no illusions that he really did care about me underneath it all. There weren’t any mixed messages. He wasn’t going to be counting on me for anything and I knew I couldn’t count on him. "No, that’s fine. I understand. I’m not really looking for anything serious either." My voice was so sure, I almost believed it myself.

Richard smiled and sat back in his chair. I forced myself to smile back.

I had figured at the beginning that there was a part of him that was just using me for a momentary release. I couldn’t deny that I was using him too. It was simple and if either of our feelings got hurt that would be it. And if that was all I wanted I think I could have been happy.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I threw myself into work in a way I hadn’t done in a long time. Suddenly I was calling every contact I had, following every lead, and busting my ass for all of my clients. Money became my only motivation. I’d do anything and talk to anyone if money was involved. My boss was happy, my clients were happy. And I told myself that I was happy. I ran myself ragged trying to keep up with everything that I was supposed to do. I didn’t have any time to dwell on anything.

When I wasn’t working I found myself gravitating to Richard. It wasn’t deep, we never talked about anything meaningful or got to know each other better. I never even learned his last name. Everything was out on the surface. It was easy. He filled a hole in my life that craved companionship. There was someone else there, that had to count for something.

Lionel acted like she thought things were okay, though at times I felt like she was just going along with it because she thought I was happy. She invited Richard and I out to dinner with her a few times. He went only to keep up appearances. If she noticed anything wrong she never said. As long as everyone acted like everything was great it was easy to fool myself that it was.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Once basketball season started again Lionel asked me to go to the games with her so she wouldn’t die from boredom. Oscar hadn’t gone to all of the games when he’d been around, but she thought she had to go to prove she was serious about protecting his investment. I found myself sitting with her and some of the partners in the owner’s suite. Ordinarily I would have sat down closer to the court but this way at least I didn’t have to see everyone up close. It was almost like being at home watching the game on TV. Lionel paid attention when she was supposed to and read scripts or played on her phone when she wasn’t. If something important happened she’d get someone to explain to her what was going on and pretend that she was interested in it.

I watched it all. I’d been following all of the preseason reports because I had to and it seemed like the Devils were hopefully on track for another good year. The only thing that was still up in the air was whether or not Terrence would be able to come back and play the way he used to and if Derek and Zero could handle things if he didn’t. It was all a bunch of what-ifs that everyone talked about on-line but wouldn’t say in person.

Opening Day came and I had a great view as Zero missed easy shots and messed up plays that he could have made with ease last season. I could hear the surprise in the announcer’s voice as he catalogued each and every one of Zero’s mistakes. Lionel had barely been paying attention but even she picked up on the change.

"What’s going on?" she said, looking at me like I was causing it somehow.

"I don’t know," I said. I really didn’t. All the reports I’d read said he was doing great in practice.

Lionel watched him for a while and then I felt her turn to watch me. I hadn’t planned on it but with every misstep and error I found myself rooting for him. Someone else in my position would have wanted him to crash and burn, but I wanted him to turn it all around. I’d always had a soft spot for the underdog, no matter what he’d done. Late in the game he started to hit his stride but it was too late, the damage had been done. The Devils lost.

Lionel stood up and straightened her skirt. "Well, that’s not a good start to this season."

 

I went to the next game. The same thing happened. He’d start off like he’d never played professional basketball before and by the end of the game he was back to his old self. I watched his every movement, trying to figure out what had changed.

Lionel was sitting next to me and paying a lot more attention to the game than she usually did. "You must have screwed him up good," she said after a particularly egregious error.

"I haven’t even talked to him since I left him the last time," I said. I was not going to accept any blame for this. This was not my fault.

"What happened between you?"

I didn’t really know how to sum it up. Putting it into words would make it more real. "He was acting like he wanted to be with me, but I found out he was hiring escorts again. " Lionel was the one person who I couldn’t lie to.

"So that’s why you went out with Richard again." It seemed like there was a lot more that she wanted to say but she was keeping it to herself. She didn’t come down one way or another about whether or not how I’d reacted was right. "I thought the timing was weird."

"I didn’t have a whole lot of other options. I still don’t."

"Maybe it’ll be better if you’re not here watching this," she said.

"He doesn’t know I’m here, does he?"

She glared at me. "No, he doesn’t. I don’t think any of them do. I don’t really talk to them, Jude. That’s what Pete’s there for. And I wouldn’t tell him anyway. It’s none of his business who I have in the suite with me." I was struck again with how loyal she was to me, in a thousand different ways I probably didn’t deserve.

I swallowed heavily. I didn’t want to watch this anymore. "I’m gonna go. I’ll talk to you later," I said, and practically ran out the door.

She waved me away. "Run away and hang out with your boy toy. I’ll stay here and pick up the pieces."

I wanted to tell her again that none of this was because of me but she’d already turned away.

 

I didn’t go to the games after that. One was on while I was with Richard and I found myself sitting in bed watching it on TV while he laid next to me bored out of his mind.

"You didn’t ask me over here just so you could watch basketball, did you?" he asked, reaching for the remote. I didn’t let him take it until afer I saw Zero screw up another shot. Richard turned off the TV exactly when they zoomed in on Zero’s face. He looked like he was lost. The screen went blank.

Richard wrapped himself around me. "Let’s keep going where we left off."

I didn’t refuse.

 

My boss called me into his office a week later. We didn’t talk that often. Most of the time he was content with what I was doing. If anything he’d give me pointers about what other options were open for my clients and that was about the extent of it. He’d given me invaluable suggestions after I’d first become Zero’s agent and had to deal with the escort scandal.

"So what’s going on with Zero?" he asked.

I looked at him for a moment and then realized that I had totally neglected the one aspect of my job I’d taken for granted. After Zero had choked that first game I should have been all over him asking him what was wrong and being supportive so he could get back on track. I hadn’t done that. I hadn’t even tried to reach out to him. The old me before all of this wouldn’t have left his side. "I . . . I don’t know. Maybe it’s just taking him longer to get back into the right mind set." It was a weak excuse and I’m sure he saw right through it.

He stared at me impassively for a long time. "Jude, I hope you realize that we don’t normally give junior agents big name stars to work with once they become full agents. Your case was different because I owed your father a favor and Zero wanted to work with you. I don’t want you to mess that up. It reflects badly on you and the company."

While I was listening to him I wondered why he sounded more like my father than Oscar ever had. I really didn’t want to let him down but I wasn’t sure that I was going to be the person who could fix what was wrong. "I’ll try talking to him. Maybe I can help him fix it."

He smiled at that and nodded at me. "I knew I could count on you."

It took all I had to keep the smile on my face.

 

I sent Zero a text. "We need to talk."

There was no reply. So I called him and e-mailed him. Nothing. At that point it felt like I should leave things well enough alone, it was doubtful that I was going to be able to motivate him to do anything. I should have stopped being his agent long ago so we both could move on. Now we were stuck and he was on the verge of really losing it all.

In the end I wound up driving to his apartment and hanging around waiting for him. I parked my car in a different lot, hoping that he wouldn’t see it and be scared off. I walked down to the service entrance and sat down in the dark to wait for him. I had some things to work on so I found myself working by the light of my phone.

Time passed and I barely noticed. Suddenly I heard lots of people shouting and cameras clicking. The door slammed open, briefly outlining someone standing in the doorframe before it closed. Then I was back in the dark again. I pressed the screen of my phone into my leg so the light wouldn’t show. I wasn’t sure who it was and I didn’t want to make myself a target.

"Fuck," they hissed, stumbling against the wall. Somehow they managed to hit the light switch and suddenly I was exposed. Zero stood there looking at me like he wanted nothing more than to punch me in the face. For a moment I almost thought he would. I’d never seen him actually get angry enough to really do something like that. For the most part he acted like he’d never take part in any kind of physical altercation. This was almost something primal. The anger passed and was replaced with exhaustion. He must have just gotten back from practice, he had his duffel bag slung over his shoulder and he didn’t look as put together as he usually did. "What are you doing here?"

"You didn’t answer me."

He pushed past me. "I don’t have time for this right now."

I grabbed him. He stopped. "Then you better make time. What the hell’s going on with you? I can’t get you endorsement deals if you’re not doing anything on the court."

He glared at me and pulled out of my grasp. "If I knew what was wrong do you really think I’d still be doing it?"

"Is it because . . ."

"Because of you?!" he laughed. "Is that why you came over-because you thought if I saw you I’d pull myself out of this? Sorry, but that’s not it at all."

"What was going on out there? I thought nobody else knew about this entrance."

Zero grimaced. "I guess it’s not so secret anymore."

"Are they there all the time?" I didn’t know how he could stand it. Then again I didn’t know why he’d be such a big story right now. Surely there were more interesting things to read about right now instead of his problems.

"They think I’m doing drugs or something." He shook his head and rubbed at his eyes wearily. "Did you come here to take pity on me?" he asked. "Join the club. I don’t feel like trying to explain myself to one more person." He looked me in the eyes. "I thought you’d understand that."

I followed him into the lobby and stood by him as he waited for the elevator. "I’m supposed to care Zero. And I really do. I want you to get through this," I said. That was apparently exactly the wrong thing to say and I realized it right after I said it. But there was no taking it back.

"Yeah, so you can keep your job. Don’t worry about it. I’ll be over this in no time."

The elevator came and we both got in. He acted like he didn’t know me. He pushed the button violently until the door closed.

"Zero, I..."

He sighed and started counting on his hands. "I stopped calling escorts. I’m trying to be nice to everyone on the team. I don’t do drugs and never have. I’m doing all the shit you told me to do." He glared at me. "I’m not doing anything that’s gonna blow back on you, ok?" Zero went to his apartment door and unlocked it. "Now I’m going to go to bed. I’ll call you if I need you."

I stayed in the elevator and watched him close and lock his door. It was clear he wasn’t going to call me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Things didn’t get better. Zero’s slump got worse. He still wasn’t able to pull things together until the last part of the game when he’d turn it around but it was always too late to make a difference. There was dark muttering about how maybe he’d be better off on the bench so someone else who might do better could take over.

My boss was not happy with him or me. Whenever I’d tell him about something I’d been able to arrange for my other, less important, clients, he’d always bring the topic back around to Zero. It felt like I’d done all I could but it still wasn’t enough. I’d tried calling him and e-mailing him again but he never replied. I didn’t think he’d appreciate me showing up on his doorstep again either.

It also felt like I couldn’t really talk to anyone about it. Whenever I tried to talk to Richard he’d always change the subject or pretend to listen and then instantly start talking about himself. Even though he’d made it clear that things between us didn’t mean anything I couldn’t stop myself acting like they did.

 

The more hopeless things got the more Lionel was determined to change them. She’d proven adept at spinning any bad news about the team in a more positive light. Whether or not it worked was debatable but at least she was trying. One day she invited me over because she wanted to talk about one of her ideas with me. "You’re coming to the Devils’ party I’m hosting," Lionel said, grabbing my arm."I think we need something to raise morale around here. I want to show I’m invested in the team." Oscar never would have gone to anything like that and mingled. The most he would have done was give a toast and told everyone to enjoy themselves before leaving. "Bring Richard. Show him around."

"I can’t think of anything I’d want to do less," I said. It was hard to see anything good coming out of me going.

She tightened her grip and it hurt. "It’s not negotiable. Maybe it’ll put everyone in the right mood and we’ll start winning again."

 

I found myself heading over to Oscar’s house in a car with Richard trying to think of any way this could turn out worse for me. I was surprised he’d even agreed to go, apparently free food and drinks were enough to motivate him. We hadn’t talked about how to introduce him to other people. There wasn’t really a polite term for what we were.

Lionel was waiting by the door when we walked up. She smiled confidently at me and gestured around to all of the other guests. I hadn’t thought so many people would come. "Pretty much everyone showed up. I’d say that’s a success isn’t it?"

I looked around and saw a few people I recognized and then I saw Pete and Sloane. "You invited Pete?"

The smile she gave me was tight-lipped. "He’s a key part of the team, isn’t he? Besides I’m trying to move past all that." She put her hands on both of us and pushed us further in. "Now go on, have fun!"

Richard looked bored already and he made a beeline for the bar. I trailed behind, keeping an eye out for anyone I knew. I saw a few of the players and Devil Girls. They had broken off into their own little cliques. Derek and I made eye contact and he looked right through me. I supposed I deserved it. I gave Pete a wide berth. Things between us hadn’t exactly settled down.

When I finally caught up with Richard he was standing by the fireplace talking to Jelena of all people. My first instinct was to turn and walk away but they’d already seen me. I stepped up next to him and felt Jelena looking us both up and down and putting everything together.

"You’re Jude, right? Zero’s agent," she said. I nodded. I’d heard so many stories about her that I didn’t want to give her anything that she could work with. There was no doubt in my mind that she would file away everything I said and did to use against me later. She smiled at me. "Is he trying to live up to his name?"

"Funny," I said. There was a long pause. We both stared at each other, neither of us flinching. She watched me for a little while longer then walked away.

If Richard noticed anything he didn’t say. He bumped his hand against mine. "How long do we have to stay? I want to head back to my place and have fun." He leaned up against me and mimed kissing me.

I saw Zero. He’d come in behind a group of other people. He hesitated by the doorway. I’m not sure if he saw me or not. He looked like he wanted nothing more than to turn around and leave. I hadn’t heard anything about what had been going on and I didn’t know if he’d been able to fit in with everyone else on the team or if he was still pushing them apart. I hoped he’d stopped pushing people away because he looked lost and unsure of himself. I didn’t want to think about him having to dig himself out of this hole on his own.

He saw me. His eyes lit up in recognition and he walked over. "Jude," he said. His voice almost sounded relieved. I could see him giving Richard a once over. "Is this your boyfriend?"

While I was still trying to figure out how to say exactly what Richard was the question was answered for me. Richard started laughing and shaking his head vehemently, "No, he’s just someone I hookup with," he said, slapping me on the back. I watched him leer at Zero before shaking his hand and turning to me. "I’m going to go refill my drink."

Zero watched him go. "He’s an asshole," he said, which was an understatement.

I couldn’t say he wasn’t. I wound up awkwardly taking a sip of my drink and pretending I hadn’t heard him.

"Why are you with him?" That was the question of the day. There wasn’t a good answer.

"Maybe that’s what I always wind up being attracted to." I took another deep sip of my drink and let it sink in. "How are you?" I asked.

Zero looked like he hadn’t slept. All his clothes were perfect, it was just the person inside them who looked like shit. He gave me one of his nervous smiles. "Don’t worry about me."

My hands tensed. "I can’t help it,"I said without thinking. Before I could see his reaction I walked away. He didn’t follow.

Right then I didn’t want to be around anyone else. I made my way out into the gardens behind the house. Oscar had a small swimming pool that he never used up near the main building. Stretching out beyond it was a vast garden with winding paths and elaborate topiaries that created a lot of different hiding places to choose from. Oscar never used any of it, it was all a monument to the fact that he had money and wasn’t afraid to spend it. Flowers that really shouldn’t have been growing here trailed over hedges and trees. Lionel must have stopped paying to maintain it as some of the hedges were starting to grow wild and overtake the walkways.

I found a clear patch of grass near a statue of a woman holding a jug that Oscar had imported from Italy at great expense. I sat down and laid back in the grass. In the distance I could hear a bit of the party but it was easier to pretend there wasn’t anyone else there at all.

I’d been pretending things were different for so long that it was strange to think about how they really were. It was fun to act like everything was fine and working out the way it was all supposed to. It felt like I was such a hypocrite for getting down on Zero for hiring escorts when what I was doing with Richard was essentially the same thing. The fact that he hadn’t pointed that out was something I didn’t understand.

The stars up above were obscured by the lights down on the ground. There was a grey haze in the air that gave everything an ethereal quality. Above that was absolute darkness. I heard footsteps in the grass nearby. It was dark enough that I wasn’t sure if anyone could see me. I pulled myself up into a sitting position and tried to see if I could figure out who it was. The possibilities were endless.

"There’s too many people in there," Zero said, walking a few feet away from me. "It’s hard to think."

"It is." I rubbed at my forehead. "That’s why I came out here."

He sat down close to me but there was still a decent amount of space between us. "I don’t really know anyone in there. Or at least anyone I’d want to talk to."

I bit back a smile. "You didn’t make any new friends?" I took a chance and looked at him. He was staring straight ahead off into the darkness. If he noticed me staring he didn’t let it show.

"Not that I can talk to. Not that I can trust." I shifted a little. It brought me closer to him. If I’d moved any nearer I could reach out and touch him. "Jelena wants me gone. Says I’m bringing down the team." He pulled some grass up out of the lawn and let the wind blow it out of his hand.

"You know that’s not true, right?" I asked.

He sighed. "Yeah, I know it’s stupid but I think she might have gotten in my head."

"You can’t listen to people like that," I said. I’d spent too much of my own life listening to people who only wanted to bring me down. I had a feeling he’d done the same.

"I know, believe me, I know," he said.

"It’s a slump, that’s all. It could happen to anybody. You’re in the middle of it right now but soon you’re gonna be at the end. Then you can prove everyone else wrong." It was the pep talk Pete or German should have been giving him, not me. But even if they had done it I’m not sure he would have believed them.

He was staring at me like he didn’t really even know me. "Why are you being nice to me? I thought you were pissed off about the whole . . ." I cut him off before he could continue.

"I’m your agent," I said. He rolled his eyes. "And I’ve been thinking that maybe I want to work this out between us so it can go back to the way it was. But you have to promise you’ll listen to me about the escorts. If they find out you did it again I don’t know what would happen to your career. I wouldn’t be able to help you." It felt like a great weight had descended on me. I’d laid myself bare in front of him.

Zero looked at me like I was an alien. "I told you, I haven’t called any. And anyway, what about your boyfriend?"

"You heard him." I laughed bitterly. "He doesn’t care about me."

"That’s his loss then," he said, holding out his hand. I took it and moved closer. It was enough for now.

I heard someone in high heels coming down the path. As she got closer I could tell it was Lionel. She squinted into the darkness. "Jude, is that you?" she asked.

"I’m here," I said. Zero didn’t say anything. He left his hand where it was.

She stormed closer. "You should go check on your boyfriend. He’s had a few too many and he’s flirting with the bartender." Then she saw Zero and stopped abruptly. "Oh, I didn’t see you there." She looked at me and silently asked what was going on. I gave her a guilty smile.

"We were just talking, trying to work some things out," I said. She crouched down in the grass near Zero.

"So did you?" she asked, flipping her hair back. "Because I’m getting tired of trying to figure you two out."

Zero and I exchanged a glance. "I think we did."


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the longer time between chapters. I took a vacation and there wasn't as much time to write.

5.

When I finally went back inside I found Richard hanging out by the bar surrounded by a pile of empty glasses. Once he saw me he didn’t even have the sense to pretend to look guilty. I might have thought better of him then. Instead he gave me a broad smile and downed an entire drink in one gulp. "Where’ve you been? I was hanging out here with C. . ." he looked over at the bartender, who was mixing a cocktail. "Chad, talking about the meaning of life."

If Chad agreed with that at all or wanted any attention he didn’t let it show on his face. He stood impassively behind the bar taking a silent inventory. "I think you’ve had enough to drink," I said firmly. "Why don’t I take you home?"

His smile got even bigger. "Oh, you can’t wait to get a piece of this, huh?" He jerked himself awkwardly at me. I’d never been more turned off.

"Yeah, sure, whatever." I’d say anything to get him to shut up and leave. "I already said goodbye to Lionel so let’s go to the car." I’d said goodbye to Zero too, with a promise to meet later. I still wasn’t sure whether or not he’d show up. He’d given me one of his inscrutable smiles. It was hard to believe anything had changed between us. I could almost imagine that I still felt his hand holding mine.

Getting to the car took a while because Richard kept stopping to talk to random people, pulling me along behind him. I tried to act like everything was normal while resisting the urge to drag him to the car whether he wanted to go or not.

Eventually we got to my car. It took all the strength I had to get Richard into the backseat and buckled in so he didn’t knock himself out on something when I was driving. I put him in the backseat on the passenger side because I could just imagine him reaching out or kicking my seat while I was driving and causing me to get into an accident. That was exactly what I didn’t need now that it seemed like things were going in a better direction.

"Why won’t you let me have any fun?" he whined. His face was turning an ominous shade of grey. I barely had time to help him lean over before he puked all over the ground. Some of it landed on me. I was glad I hadn’t driven my Porsche today. I didn’t think the smell was going to come out easily.

"Because you don’t know when to stop." I stayed beside him until it looked like he might be well enough to travel. He was still my responsibility until I got him home and made sure he wasn’t going to choke on his own vomit.

Richard pawed at me weakly as I closed the car door. Once I started driving he was silent for most of the ride back to his apartment. I was glad. I really didn’t want to talk to him right now. There was no telling what he might say.

"I miss him so much," he moaned suddenly, swaying from side to side. I glanced at him quickly in the rearview mirror, trying to gauge whether or not to pull over. It didn’t look like he was going to throw up. He looked like he was going to cry.

"Who?" This was a rare moment of openness with him, one that had come too late. I almost wished I hadn’t said anything. This was just going to bring up things that I didn’t want to think about. Right now I could feel relatively good about never seeing him again, but if he started talking it might make it hard to let him go.

"My ex. I call him all the time but he never answers." His speech was uneven, like he was on the verge of crying. I didn’t know if I was supposed to say anything. I chose to focus my attention on driving. It was a good thing that my mind was on autopilot as far as turning where I needed to so I could get to his apartment. Otherwise I’m not sure where we would have ended up. "He still cares about me, I know he does," he wailed.

"Maybe he’s scared," I said finally. "It’s hard to admit that you care about someone sometimes." I still wasn’t sure what to classify what had happened tonight with Zero. It felt like it had started something that was fragile and new, something that needed to be nurtured or it would die from neglect. It almost had already. "If he really cares he’ll reach out to you. You can’t force it."

"Is that what you’re waiting for from me?" he asked. It didn’t sound like he wanted a yes answer.

My grip on the steering wheel tightened. "We were having fun, that’s all." I hated having to parrot Zero’s words but in this situation they fit. "So if you have someone else don’t let me hold you back."

There was no response. When I looked at him in the rearview mirror he was asleep. The rest of the ride proceeded in a comfortable silence, one that was only broken when he started to snore.

It took me what felt like hours to get Richard into his apartment and into bed. He moved with leaden feet and fought me almost every step of the way. Once he got to his bed he flopped down and fell asleep almost immediately. And even then I couldn’t leave him alone. I wouldn’t have been able to forgive myself if something happened to him while he was asleep. So I found myself sitting in bed next to him occasionally poking him to make sure he wasn’t unconscious.

It was a long night that felt like it would never end and my only company was the picture of his mother by the bed and the green glow of his alarm clock. I’d stupidly forgotten to charge my phone and it died in the middle of me trying to text Zero an explanation of what I was doing. I didn’t feel like rummaging through Richard’s apartment looking for his charger.

 

I must have dozed off because when I opened my eyes next Richard was shaking me. "What are you doing here?" he demanded. I wasn’t sure exactly how much he remembered about last night. It almost looked like he wanted to attack me. I raised my hands up reflexively.

"We went to a party and you had a few too many. I was making sure you didn’t hurt yourself," I explained. He calmed down a little.

"Well you can go home now, I’ll be fine," he snapped, pulling the covers over himself and turning away from me. I didn’t need to be told twice.

 

His neighborhood looked different in the middle of the night. Houses that had looked benevolent and inviting during the day turned into forbidding castles at night. There weren’t any street lights so the only thing I had to go by was the light of the moon and the automatic security lights of his neighbors. Once I got in to my car I let out a sigh of relief. It felt like I’d let go of something I’d been holding in for a while.

I drove home the longest way possible. It took me up and down winding one lane streets that trailed off into nowhere. Right now it felt like anything could happen, anything was possible. If I went back home all those possibilities would start to disappear, one by one, until there were no options left. It seemed like I’d started something that I wouldn’t feel the ramifications of for a long time. We’d tried this before and it had all come to nothing. I tried to remain positive about it all. Zero acted like he really wanted to change this time. That had to be enough for now.

I’d stayed up almost the whole night and I could see the night sky starting to give way to the light of the sun. All I wanted to do was collapse in bed for a few hours and then go to work. Right now I wasn’t up to analyzing the various twists and turns my love life took. The lights were on in my apartment when I finally got home. Most people would have assumed it was a burglar but I thought I knew who it was.

I opened the door expecting to find disorder but it was all pretty much exactly how I’d left it. My mail was in a neatly stacked pile on the coffee table instead of all over the floor. When I went in the kitchen all the dishes I’d left on the counter this morning had been washed and were sitting to dry by the sink. Right then I didn’t have the energy to figure out what was going on. I sat down at the kitchen table and put my head in my hands.

Zero came out of the bedroom a little after that. He’d stripped down to a t-shirt and boxers. It looked like I’d woken him up. "What took you so long? I almost thought you weren’t going to come back," he said accusingly.

"It takes time to take a drunk back home and make sure he’s gonna be okay," I said quietly. "And then traffic was bad so I had to take the long way home." I looked around. "Did you get bored and decide to do chores or something?" He started to look like he was getting defensive. "Not that I mind, I just wouldn’t have expected it."

"Ha ha," he said tonelessly. "It looked like you cleaned the place so I didn’t want to mess it up." He sat down across from me. "It also looks like you did some redecorating." I hadn’t put anything in the spot his jersey had hung over the fireplace yet. The empty space loomed large in the living room.

I thought carefully about what I wanted to say and how to say it. "I wanted to move things around. There were too many memories." I took care not to qualify them as good or bad. He didn’t say anything. "I’m tired, I think I’m going to go to bed." He didn’t move. I got up and started to walk out of the kitchen. "Are you coming?"

 

When I woke up later in the morning I was conscious of someone else in the bed with me. It took me a minute to remember who it was. Zero was sleeping facing away from me, his back a line of tightly coiled tension underneath his t-shirt. I wondered why he was still here, they had to have had practice this morning. Maybe Pete had given them a break because of Lionel’s party. I was glad to see him. It meant that it hadn’t all been a product of my stress-addled brain.

I was content to lie there and enjoy it for a few minutes before I started to get up. There was still a chance of getting some work done today. Maybe my boss wouldn’t be too mad about me getting there late if I managed to finish something. Zero rolled over lazily and grabbed my arm. "Where are you going?" he asked.

I couldn’t hide my smile. "I was going to go to work. Don’t you have practice?"

"Coach gave us the day off." I started to pull my arm out of his grip. He held on tighter. "Call in sick."

I laughed but inside I was panicking. I could count the number of times I’d even thought about calling in sick on one hand. It wasn’t something I did. I’m not sure if it was a way of proving myself to my father or if it was just a fear of being considered unreliable. Nobody else seemed to have the same hang-ups about it that I did. "I don’t think my boss would be very happy about that." My boss probably wouldn’t even notice. As long as the money came in and the clients were taken care of I don’t think he really cared.

"Just say you’re helping keep a client happy." The look he gave me was enough to chase away any objections.

"Fine, fuck it," I said, leaning over and kissing him. It had been so long I’d almost forgotten what it was like with him. He pulled me on top of him and it was very easy to go back to the way things had been. Our kisses weren’t earth-shattering or anything but they filled an emptiness that I hadn’t realized was there.

I traced my fingers down his chest. It felt much the same as it had before, each muscle taut and defined underneath the fabric. When I reached the bottom I slowly worked my way along the divide between his t-shirt and boxers, touching skin that shivered reflexively at my fingertips. His hands were on my hips holding me down. I continued exploring, slipping my hands underneath his shirt and running them up his chest. Zero was struggling against me now, trying to direct where I went. This time I didn’t let him. His own hands were running along the waistband of my boxers, leaving a trail of goosebumps in their wake.

Once my hands reached his shoulders I started moving them back down his body. I stopped touching him just above the point where it might have done the most good. His cock was hard and poking me in the stomach. He arched his back, trying to get me to touch it but I pulled away. Our kisses were more frantic and hurried, as if to make up for months of waiting. I was almost on the edge already. It was hard to breathe and I found myself gasping into his mouth.

Zero finally did the thing both of us desperately wanted and touched my cock. His hand pushed into my boxers and grabbed it firmly, running a finger up the shaft. It was a thousand nerves firing all at once and I was almost instantly hard.

My hand slipped on his chest, slowly making its way to his cock. He moaned against me as I touched it. I held it loosely at first, just enough for him to feel my hand, just enough to tease. His grip on my cock tightened and my hand clenched slightly in reflex.

Neither of us had much control and it didn’t take long before long slow strokes sped up towards a satisfying climax. I groaned my release against his neck. He bit back his, his hands tightening on my back.

We laid there for a while in exhaustion. If I could have stayed there all day I think I would have. He didn’t act like he had anywhere else he wanted to be either. I drifted into an almost half sleep still mixed up together with him. He soon followed. It couldn’t last forever but for right now it was enough.

 

Eventually I had to move. The sun had shifted so that no matter where I was it was shining in my eyes. I pulled myself away from Zero slowly. It almost felt like he had a magnet inside of him pulling me back. "I’m going to get cleaned up." It took a moment to get untangled from him and make my way to the bathroom. When I heard his footsteps behind me a few seconds later I had to suppress a smile.

I started the shower and got in. He stepped in behind me. There wasn’t a lot of room so it felt like he was right up on top of me. I wouldn’t have had it any other way. I started the shower and leaned into the spray. It was warm but not hot, the heat was just barely there. And then Zero touched me, turning me around into another ferocious kiss. It didn’t take much for me to be ready for a second round. Our hands were at each other’s cheeks, pulling each other into savage kisses that weren’t restrained at all.

His hands moved first, going to my torso and then tracing down my lower back. It was almost like he was waiting for permission. I gladly gave it, pushing past him and bracing myself against the towel rack. It had held us before. He leaned out of the shower and got lube. I heard the click of the tube as he opened it. And then he was slowly working a finger into my entrance. I tried to will myself to relax. It worked but it still didn’t make it easier when he added another finger. My hands tightened on the rack. The only thing keeping me going was the knowledge that eventually this was going to feel good. Then he touched something that made it all worth it. I couldn’t help pushing back against him.

Zero had been planting kisses on the back of my neck. It made it hard to concentrate on what I was feeling. Three fingers almost felt like too much but after he started to gently stretch them out I was able to relax. "Are you okay?" he asked against my ear.

"Yes,"I moaned. Zero slowly pulled his fingers out, taking all the pressure and pleasure with it. I could hear him fumbling around with a condom behind me.

"Relax," he whispered and I felt something larger than three fingers at my entrance. I tried to pay attention but once he slowly moved forward it was hard to remember to do much of anything, let alone relax. Zero took it slow and was careful about it. Finally he hit that spot again and it was all worth it. I couldn’t keep my eyes open. There was too much stimulation.

His arms were braced around me but as we started to move he inched a hand lower until it touched my cock. Any pain that was still there was slowly replaced with pleasure. I could feel Zero’s breath against my neck and hear his gasps against my ear. We settled into a steady rhythm. I couldn’t help moaning after each thrust when it felt like I was on the verge of exploding.

Soon it was all we could do to hold it back. I came hard, my hands slipping on the bar as most of my strength left me. Zero held me up but he wasn’t doing much better. His release came after mine and he pulled out. We eventually sank to the bottom of the bathtub.

It was then that I realized that the water had gone cold. Any heat that was left between us was quickly sucked out by the ice cold water. After washing off quickly I turned off the shower. I couldn’t keep a smile off of my face. This was all something I’d never have pictured happening yesterday.

"What?" Zero was blushing and he wouldn’t look me in the eyes.

I kissed him. "This would have been a lot more comfortable in your bathroom."

We spent the rest of the day pretending the outside world didn’t exist.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

After that it was as if nothing had ever happened to break us apart. He was more open, little pieces of Gideon started to show through. It was progress and I didn’t feel the same sense of giving everything I had and receiving nothing in return. He didn’t complain about going out in public-though we tended to go to places no one would recognize him.

It was all so achingly normal. I don’t think either of us wanted to test it. Neither of us had ever truly had it before. It didn’t mean we’d never have it again but in the face of everything else it was something to hold on to. Zero acted like he was happy too, though a lot of what we were doing were things that we’d already done before. This time it just had a different name.

Zero started to spend most of his time at my apartment. I gladly gave him the same space he’d had before. For whatever reason this time I was able to keep the resentment at bay. The idea that there was someone there who cared about me was a comforting thought that kept me going. I tried to stay optimistic about it all. Zero wasn’t being the same self-centered jerk he’d been the last time. I thought he was at least trying.

While our personal lives might have been looking up that didn’t mean that everything was back to the way that it had been. Zero still couldn’t pull it together on the basketball court. For a while it looked like things were getting better but then he’d have a setback and it was hard to pretend there was any chance of recovery. Whenever anyone saw him the first question they asked was what was wrong, was he ever going to play the way he had before?

Out in public Zero put on a brave face but once we were alone it was like we were back in the limousine again. He didn’t know what else to do. I didn’t feel like I could do anything besides what I already was. We spent a lot of nights with me sitting next to him listening to all of his concerns and fears. Thankfully that seemed to be enough for him and he didn’t take his frustrations out on me though he certainly could have. He put on a really good front but without having anything to back it up it was a lot easier to spot the bullshit.

It was hard to watch him descend into a hole that he didn’t see a way out of. When he had played well it was easy to convince other people to let him be the star of most of the plays. Now it was hard to get anyone to even pass him the ball.

 

A couple of weeks after we’d started to figure out how we fit together again he stopped me before I left for work. He had a game later on in the day that he told me I didn’t have to go to. "Can you stop by my apartment and pick up some things for me?" My reluctance must have shown because he kept on talking, trying to convince both himself and me that it was a good idea. "Everyone’s going to be watching me at the game, they’re not going to be staking out my apartment."

"Are you moving in then?" I asked. "Because we didn’t really talk about this."

He rolled his eyes at me. "Jude, do I even have to? I stay over pretty much every day I’m not on the road anyway. I’m sick of living in a suitcase." That wasn’t a lie. He was at my apartment more often than not. Then he got more serious. "Do you want me to formally ask you or something?"

"It’d be nice if you didn’t just assume that it was okay." That I really didn’t care wasn’t the point. I wanted to see if he thought enough about me to respect my boundaries.

"Fine. Is it okay if I stay here for a while?" he asked. "At least until they stop watching my apartment." He looked at me like he was wondering if that was enough.

"Yeah it’s fine. Just clean up after yourself." He’d been doing a lot better about it lately. The feeling of being taken advantage of had quieted for once.

"So if I leave you a list can you pick up this stuff at my apartment later?"

I couldn’t think of any good reasons not to, or at least not ones that I wanted to say out loud. "Sure, I think I can make time to do that."

He gave me a relieved smile and handed me the list of things he wanted and the same key he’d given me before. I hesitated before I took it.

"You’re not going to find anything, okay? I told you I don’t do that anymore," he said. I wanted with all my heart to believe him.

 

When I got to his apartment building it was hard not to be paranoid that someone was watching me. Even though nobody would want to take pictures of me or ask me questions the thought was always in my head that they would. I didn’t see anyone around his apartment building and no one stopped me when I went in the front entrance. The doorman was still sitting in the same position I’d seen him in before and he barely looked up when I got in the elevator.

Zero’s apartment was much the same as he’d left it. I started grabbing all the things that he’d asked for. Once I’d gotten most of them I felt like I’d reached a turning point. I could either trust him and not look around to check whether or not he was telling the truth or I could start snooping around looking for things.

A quick glance didn’t reveal anything out of the ordinary. The boxes were gone, but I didn’t see any signs that he’d unpacked anything. The living room was just as bare as it had been before. The kitchen was full of takeout boxes he hadn’t thrown away. The rest of the apartment looked almost sterile, like he didn’t use it for anything other than sleeping. And if every time he came here he got swarmed by photographers I couldn’t really blame him.

The empty bedroom must have been where he’d decided to put everything. Some of the boxes had tipped over and spilled onto the floor. Their contents appeared to be mostly newspaper and magazine clippings, awards, and trophies. Zero didn’t seem like the kind of person who kept mementoes so I thought it was strange. I always thought of him as the kind of person who was always striving to hit the next high and meet the next goal, there was no need to dwell on the past. Yet it all laid here at my feet.

I knelt down and started to put everything back in the box that had fallen over. Most of the awards were for things he’d done in basketball. He’d set scoring records in high school and college. There were pictures of him accepting the awards, he stood looking out at the world with a cocky smile. It felt like I wasn’t supposed to look at any of this so I boxed it all back up like I’d never been there.

His bedroom was lived in, the bed wasn’t made and he’d left clothes all over the floor. I grabbed the things that he’d asked for out of the closet and looked around to see if there was anything else. As I was doing so I couldn’t resist shaking out his sheets to see if anything fell out. Nothing. There wasn’t anything under his bed either. If he’d had someone visit recently there wasn’t any trace of them.

While I was busy putting the last of his stuff into a bag Lionel called. I hadn’t talked to her much since her party. "Can you come to the arena? I need someone to talk to who isn’t going to bore me to death."

I laughed. "And I was your first choice?" I tied a knot in the bag I’d finished filling and shifted my phone to my other ear. "I’ll be there as soon as I can, I’ve got to drop some stuff off at my apartment first."

"What kind of stuff?" she asked.

I hadn’t thought she would be interested so I was momentarily speechless. She must have been really bored. "Stuff Zero wanted from his apartment."

"He’s moving in? So this is serious between you two then." Her voice was almost completely neutral.

"Yeah, I guess it is. I’m taking it one day at a time." I tried to balance the phone and the bags I was carrying. When I locked his apartment door I almost dropped everything.

There was a long pause. I pushed the button for the elevator. "Just be careful, ok? I’ve gotta go," she said and then hung up.

 

When I got to the arena Lionel was sitting in the owner’s suite reading over a script and ignoring everything happening on the court below. There were a few other people sitting and watching but they were in their own little groups and didn’t look up when I entered the suite. I wasn’t sure exactly who they were, probably investors Lionel was trying to woo. I’d seen them around and might have even been introduced to them at one point but they all had gelled together into one faceless man in a suit in my mind.

Once Lionel saw me she jumped up and pulled me down to sit next to her. "Thank god you’re here, I thought I was going to have to send out a search party."

I pointed at the script. "Are you getting back into acting?"

"My agent sent it to me to read over. It’s for a made for TV movie. Some science fiction thing with robotic rabbits taking over the world or something like that. I’ve read worse." And she’d been in worse but I’d never say that to her.

"Are you the hero?"

She smiled. "Oh no Jude, I don’t do that anymore. I’d be the devastatingly beautiful scientist who created the rabbits." For a moment I could almost see it. It would have been the perfect role for her.

"Good luck." I’d been avoiding looking at the court but finally I forced myself to turn and see how the Devils were doing. For once they were actually winning and the crowd was excited. I looked to Lionel for an explanation. "Is Zero...?" Inwardly I had all of my fingers crossed that something had changed, that he was playing at his best.

"No." She acted like she really didn’t want to say anything else. Her eyes went right back to the script in front of her.

"He’s playing though, right?" Maybe they’d finally given up and benched him.

She nodded down at the sheets of paper in front of her. "He’s playing, but they’re not really doing anything with him."

As I turned back I could see that that was true. It was like watching him at the championship game begging for a chance to redeem himself and everyone ignoring him instead. Derek and Terrence made play after play that only reinforced how little Zero was doing for the team.

She poked me with the script. "Don’t watch that, you’re just going to get upset. Help me read through this. I’ve got an audition on Monday." I let myself be distracted. It was easier than watching him struggle yet again.

 

Somehow the Devils managed to eke out a win. The arena erupted in cheers and applause. Everyone was hugging everyone else. With the kind of outburst everyone was making it was almost like the Devils had won the championship again instead of a regular season game.

I went down to the locker room after the game. Lionel asked if I wanted her to go with me but I told her no, I didn’t need company. I didn’t think Zero would have appreciated it either. He was sitting by his locker off to the side watching everyone else celebrate. When he saw me he acted surprised. "You came?" he asked. His whole body drooped.

"Yeah, Lionel asked me to keep her company," I said. I sat down next to him on the bench. Everyone else was running around acting like a great weight had been lifted off of the Devils. A few of the new players came over and slapped Zero on the back, clearly happy about the win. He managed to fake enthusiasm for long enough to keep them from catching on to his mood.

Derek and Terrence were clearly the stars of the show. Everyone was fawning over them. Pete was giving a rousing speech about how it was only through their hard work and perseverance that they’d managed to win. Now that things were working together again they could still turn this season around.

It was the kind of speech that he would have been making about the team last season, though Zero would have been included. I wondered if Zero could have looked into the future and seen how things were going to turn out if he still would have come out here. I doubted it. I had been convincing but I hadn’t been THAT convincing. He certainly wouldn’t have expected to be stuck in a position like this where he wasn’t performing at the level he was used to.

Zero was sitting next to me like he didn’t have any idea what to do next. It took a few nudges before he’d even look at me. "Come on, let’s get out of here," I said.


	6. Chapter 6

6.

We wound up at one of the restaurants near my apartment. After we’d left the arena Zero started to act like everything was fine so I tried to act like it too. It was a struggle to pretend that this was a normal night like any other and not a desperate attempt to take our minds off what had happened. I tried to think about something else to talk about. It only took his flirting with the waitress to bring me back to earth. In the scheme of things he hadn’t even done much more than ask her about her day and give her one of his winning smiles when she dropped off the menus, but it hit the part of me that was always insecure about whether or not I was being taken advantage of. After she walked away any momentary weakness I had about talking to him went away.

"Do you have to do that with everyone?" I asked. The familiar nervous feeling of betrayal was starting to spread through me. I had to take a drink of water to stop myself from jumping to conclusions.

Zero rolled his eyes and stared at the menu. "I don’t think about it like that. Sometimes I don’t even notice it. I don’t mean anything by it." He tapped his fingers on the table and quickly glanced at me. "Thanks for getting the stuff I needed from my apartment."

"You’re welcome. It wasn’t a big deal." I decided to risk asking him about what I’d found. "One of the boxes fell over so I tried to put everything back where it was supposed to go."

Zero flinched. "You didn’t have to do that." I wondered if I wasn’t supposed to see what was in them.

"I didn’t realize how many awards you’d won."

He smiled sadly. "I should get rid of them or put them in storage. They’re from a long time ago." His fingers tapped restlessly on the table. "Remember what we talked about before I came out here?"

I remembered Oscar sending me out to tell him about the offer. It was a brief bright spot in my life where I felt like Oscar was actually proud of me and trusted me. Dealing with Zero had been a joy compared to other negotiations I’d had to go to. At that point he’d been working with my agency for a long time and had seen what we could do. Zero had believed pretty much whatever I said and was willing to go along on blind faith as long as I promised him the biggest role on the team. The endorsement deals I’d been able to get only solidified his trust in me. "You wanted to be a star."

He turned away from me. "Yeah."

The silence grew between us. "I still think you can be. I still think you are."

That earned me a wistful smile. "I’m glad someone does. After that last game you might be the only one." He winced. "Maybe I’ll change my name back to Gideon."

"What does this have to do with Gideon?"

"Everything. If you don’t do something to stand out you disappear." Zero nervously fidgeted with his hands on the table. "Nobody cared about me until I started playing basketball. Before that everyone acted like I was taking up space. Like I really was nothing." He closed his eyes. "I guess maybe that’s why I kept all those trophies. As proof that I was something."

His hands were on the table. I reached out and touched them. He let me cover one of his hands with mine and he didn’t pull away when the waitress came back. She took our orders and was gone again. Once she’d left I tightened my grip on his hand. "Is that why you were trying to get between Derek and Terence? Why you were with Jelena?" Maybe in his mind being something meant having everything-the girl, the fans, the money, all of it.

"Yeah and look how that worked out."

The thought that part of this was all a hell of his own making was fighting to come out of my mouth but I didn’t think this was the time or place. "All of that is going to blow over. Everyone’s going to forget about it and they’ll have something else to talk about." I wished I could believe what I was saying but it felt like he needed reassurance more than anything. He’d at least given me that after I’d talked with Oscar that last time.

"I spent all that time building a reputation for myself. It’s all gone now. When I was a kid I learned that your reputation is all you have. If you’re not the best you better be working to become the best. Otherwise people will walk all over you." He took a deep ragged breath. "So I tried to make Zero the best person I could be. It was almost a relief to not be called Gideon anymore. Everyone liked Zero better anyway." I squeezed his hand.

"What was your foster family like?" I wasn’t sure if he’d answer me. It had taken a lot for him to even tell me that little piece about himself.

"They didn’t care. The less we were around the happier they were. After school they’d keep the doors locked so we’d stay outside until it got dark and they were ready to let us in. That’s why I started playing basketball, there wasn’t anything else to do." He looked at me briefly. "We had to look like a big happy family when the social workers came by. They made us memorize Bible verses and recite them. Otherwise as long as they got their checks they didn’t care."

I let that settle in for a moment before saying anything. "Do they still keep in contact?"

He laughed. "No. I made sure they couldn’t track me down. I’m sure if they found me they’d want me to repay them for raising me."

"That’s awful."

"That’s life. You have to learn not to let it get to you." Zero smirked. "Is that enough?"

"Yes," I said. And I meant it. I didn’t completely understand him but it was more than I had before. I knew he’d given all he could for right now, and there would be time for all the rest of it later. He gently pulled his hand out of mine and put it below the table.

"What about your parents? I’m sure it was fun growing up with Oscar." Apparently now it was my turn to bare all.

I had to laugh at that. "It might have been if he hadn’t sent my mother and I away. I barely knew I had a father. He helped get me the job at the agency but that’s about it. I think I’ve talked with him more in the past couple of years than I have in my entire life."

"So why do you care what he thinks then? He doesn’t care about you."

"It’s fucked up but I still want him to be proud of me." I stared down at the table, I really didn’t want to look at him right now. "You can tell me all you want that what he thinks doesn’t matter but there’s still a part of me that wants him to like me."

He shrugged. "It took me a long time to get over that. It’s not easy."

"No, it’s not. A part of me wants him to stay in jail so he’ll be out of my life and I don’t have to think about him anymore. I don’t want to have to constantly worry about what he’s going to ask me to do next because even after all he did to me I know I won’t say no."

"He got you to get me to come out here. Isn’t that at least one good thing that came out of it?" He smiled at me.

"Yeah, you’re right about that." I was glad that Zero still saw it that way. I wasn’t so sure. I thought back to when I’d first met him.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The agency had sent me with a senior agent, Frank, out to Ohio to meet Zero. The first time I saw Zero he was on the court playing. I’d read about him in a general sort of way and seen pictures and video but that didn’t compare to watching him in action live. He was a man in his prime, a star in the making. Any agency would have been lucky to work with him. We were fortunate he’d already chosen ours.

I didn’t say anything when we were introduced. Zero had a firm handshake and an easy smile. I was along just as an observer so I didn’t really say much other than a few yeses and nos when Frank pointed things out. Zero was more focused on him too, but from time to time I’d catch him looking at me. I could barely take my eyes off him. He was so sure of himself and I couldn’t help being drawn in to the narrative he’d created for himself.

"You wanna go get some drinks and celebrate?" Zero asked after we’d gone over his renegotiated contract.

Frank was older and more set in his ways. He’d already closed the deal and was ready to go back to the hotel. He slapped me on the shoulder. "These old bones can’t stay up as late as they used to, so I’ll delegate that to my subordinate here. Don’t get too crazy," he said, getting up and walking away slowly.

Zero was staring at me like that’s what he had expected would happen. Right then it felt like there was a world of possibilities spread out before me.

We went to the hotel bar, which was a dark and quiet place, not the kind of spot I thought he’d be drawn to. It was deserted. The only other person there besides the bartender was a man in a rumpled suit who looked like he’d been drinking all day. We both got beers and sat at the bar.

The whole time I was conscious of him watching me like he couldn’t quite figure me out. "How’d you get paired up with that guy?" he asked by way of starting the conversation. "He acts like he’s a million years old."

"He’s going to retire soon. I just started there so he’s showing me the ropes."

"Just started huh. And they’re letting you work with a big name like me?"

I smiled and shook my head. "You’re not that big." I paused, waiting to see if the smile on his face faded. It didn’t. "Yet."

"Yet? You think I could be bigger? I like that," he said, slamming his hand on the counter. He waved to the bartender for another beer. "And I bet you have ideas about how to do that."

I gave him a quick grin. "I do. But first you have to win a championship."

"We’re almost there now."

"Almost, but you haven’t won it yet."

Zero studied me carefully, as if he wanted to look right through me. Then his smile got even bigger. "I think I’m gonna like working with you. You’ve got balls coming here and talking to me like that." He grabbed one of the napkins off the bar and scrawled out a number on it. "That’s my number."

I was so dumbstruck when he handed the napkin to me that I almost forgot to give him my number. In a moment of hubris after I’d gotten the job at the agency I’d had business cards made. I still had a full box of them back at home. Thankfully I’d remembered to bring a few with me. I pulled one out of my pocket and handed it to him.

Zero examined it carefully. "Jude Kincade, junior agent," he read almost mockingly before putting it away. "I think this is gonna work out just fine."

I fully expected him to lose the card and not contact me but a few days after I’d left he called me and we started to craft the plan to make him a star together.

 

Oscar called me over to his house one day a month or so after the season ended. I got excited and nervous because most of the time he treated me like a stranger he had to take care of out of a sense of obligation. In my mind I thought this could be the breakthrough I needed to finally be treated like his son. Whenever he contacted me I couldn’t help dropping everything to take care of whatever he wanted. This time was no different. I left work early and hurried over to talk to him.

It should have been obvious something was wrong when as soon as I got there he had me sit down and he poured me a drink. Usually I wound up standing in the doorway listening to him talk. "How is your mother doing?" he asked. He barely listened to me as I answered him. Instead he looked out the window behind his desk. Once I’d finished talking he continued. "And do you like your job at the agency?"

"Yes. Thank you for putting in a word for me so I could get it." I assumed it had to have been him, no one would have decided to take a chance on someone with no experience like me without outside encouragement.

Oscar smiled. "I was wondering-doesn’t your agency represent that one player from Ohio that everyone’s talking about. . . what was his name? Zero?"

"We do. Why?" Things were starting to fall into place in my mind. He hadn’t wanted to see me to catch up at all. This, like everything else, was all about business and him moving himself further ahead.

"I was thinking about trying to get him signed to the Devils for next season. Do you think he’d go for it?"

"That depends. Would it be a good opportunity for him?"

His smile got bigger and more self-satisfied. "No, probably not, but it would be a good one for me." When he looked at me it almost felt like if I did this one thing he might actually respect me and treat me like his son. It was something I’d been wanting for years and here it was in reach. It would have been a mistake to pass it up.

 

"The Devils? Why would I want to go there?" Zero asked. "They already have a bunch of strong players. How am I supposed to stand out?" He wasn’t stupid. Right now he was in a good spot on a team that had just won the championship, he didn’t need to change anything up to stay on top.

I’d been practicing how to convince him to agree the entire plane trip over. On one hand I knew that if I didn’t do this Oscar wasn’t going to want to have anything to do with me, on the other I didn’t want to screw Zero over when he was the closest thing I had to a friend. "How is anyone ever going to know how good you are unless you’re the best on a team with the best players in the league? You’ll never be able to reach your full potential here. Everyone will say you took the easy way out." I could tell my words had had an impact. He was struggling to think of a reason that I was wrong. "Plus they’re offering a lot more than you’d make if you stayed."

"And how am I supposed to stand out and become a star?"

"We’ll think of something. I’ll bet there are cracks you can use to split them apart."

"I’ll think about it."

I was almost as surprised as Oscar was when Zero agreed to the deal. I hadn’t thought he’d do something that would have the potential to backfire. That was when it started to feel like Zero was working off a plan that he’d made on his own instead of the one we’d made together.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

The man that I’d met that night years ago who was so sure of himself and his talents was so far removed from the one that was sleeping here tonight that they might as well have been different people. Right now Zero was curled up in my arms. We’d started off sleeping apart but he’d moved around and grabbed hold of me sometime during the night. And I let him. I let him put his head on my chest and hold on for dear life. I absently moved my hand in circles on his back. He was either asleep or doing a good job acting like it.

I laid there unable to sleep. I’d never looked at the ceiling of my bedroom so closely before. The shadows of everything in the room lengthened and shortened with the light. I shifted a little and Zero latched on harder. Maybe in his unconscious mind he was able to let go of whatever was holding him back. I fully expected when he woke up it would be back to normal like all of this had never happened. In a way I almost wanted him to. I didn’t know how to handle him when he was like this.

I held him while he slept and tried to go to sleep myself. My mind felt like it was going a thousands miles an hour. I couldn’t stop thinking about what he’d told me tonight and how he’d actually shown another side of himself for once, one that was vulnerable and didn’t have all the answers. What he’d told me were all things I’d wished he’d said at the start of all this, then I might have been better able to understand him and his motivations. Instead he’d kept talking about how he had a plan and how he had things all figured out. He could have saved himself a lot of problems if he’d let me in.

Somehow I must have fallen asleep because when I woke up he was gone. The bed was warm where he’d been so he couldn’t have been gone long. I forced myself to get up and go looking for him. I found him in the kitchen filling a water bottle in the sink. He didn’t look up when I came into the room. I leaned against the doorframe and watched him.

"I was going to go shoot baskets," he said quietly.

"Can I come watch?" I didn’t want to be alone here when I could be with him supporting him the only way I knew how.

"If you want. There won’t be much to see."

 

We went to a park near my apartment. There were enough streetlights and lamps around the court that it was still possible to see. I sat on a bench near the baskets and watched. Zero took a few minutes to warm up and then started to shoot. He missed the first few, but as he loosened up he made pretty much every single shot. It was the best I’d seen him do in a long time. Finally after he made another basket he sank to his knees and put his head in his hands.

I waited half a beat before running over to him. He pulled away from my touch. "See, you can still do it," I said. "It’s not gone, it’ll come back."

"How do you know?" I didn’t and I couldn’t promise him anything. But I also couldn’t let him wallow in self pity forever.

"You’re not the only one this has happened to. You can’t give up. You have to keep trying. I know you can do it." I hoped my words were convincing him because they certainly weren’t convincing me. He was looking at me like he wanted me to have all the answers. It was obvious he trusted my word far more than anyone else’s in his life. "Just keep fighting, okay? It’s not too late to turn it all around."

"Do you really think so?" he asked. I nodded. He pulled me into a hug that lasted far longer than I thought it would. When we pulled apart he didn’t look at me.

 

The Devils were on the road after that. I almost welcomed the time alone. It was horrible but I felt relieved that I wouldn’t have to deal with his problems for at least a week. I had offered to meet him when he was halfway through it all but he’d brushed me off and said it would only make it worse when he had to leave. So I went with him to the airport and watched him go from the anonymity of a limousine.

I didn’t hear from him, which I expected. When I watched the games or read about them later I was happy to see that he was making small improvements. He wasn’t back to his old form but at least he was contributing something. That had to count. Whenever I saw my boss he was a lot more optimistic about the whole thing. I started to feel like maybe we were making progress.

Then Zero called me one day when I was just getting in to work. I answered while I was walking into my office. The connection was bad and I could barely hear him. "Zero, what’s up?"

Through the crackle of static I was able to pick out what he was saying. "Can you meet me at the next city?"

I glanced at the calendar on my desk. There were appointments but I could move them without too much trouble so I could spend a couple of hours with him. "Yeah. But I won’t be able to stay long. Is something wrong? Last time we talked you said you didn’t want me to go."

There was a pause so long I thought I’d lost the call. "I didn’t think I’d miss you this much," he said. It sounded like it was something he didn’t want to admit to.

"Look, I’ll see what I can do. Let me know what hotel you’ll be staying at and I’ll try to meet you there." I started to pull up travel sites on my computer.

"Okay. See you there." Then he hung up.

 

The only flight I found got in late and almost wouldn’t have been worth it. I bought the ticket anyway and reserved a room in the same hotel. It felt like a huge mistake, this wasn’t really worth the couple of hours we’d get to spend together at the end of it. But then again he didn’t reach out like this often.

Everything seemed to have conspired to set my teeth on edge. On the flight there I got stuck behind a woman with a screaming baby and an old man who was determined to tell me about all the minutiae of model train collecting. Telling him I wasn’t interested didn’t make him stop. By the time I got off the plane I knew more than I ever wanted about the history of modern railways. I’d planned to sleep on the plane but that hadn’t happened and I was exhausted. It took forever to get from the airport to the hotel. It was snowing and the roads were so bad I wondered if the Devils had even made it there themselves. It would serve me right if I made all the effort to get out here and Zero wasn’t even there.

The hotel lobby was freezing. Nobody was at the front desk and there was no one else in the lobby. I’d thought at least there would be a few people getting back from the bars and strip clubs that were only a few miles away but maybe they’d decided to stay in tonight instead of getting snowed in. I was already almost ready to jump out of my skin. This had been a bad idea on both our parts, but Zero had sounded so desperate on the phone that I hadn’t been able to ignore him.

There was a bell on the front desk. I rang it and a clerk appeared out of a room in the back. She didn’t say anything as I told her my name and gave her my ID and credit card. She gave me a key card and then disappeared. I was alone in the lobby again. The whole hotel was almost completely silent, the only sound the constant hum of the vending machines in an alcove.

I went to the elevator and pushed the button for my floor. I wanted to drop off my stuff before trying to find my way to his room. At least for right now the lines between us in public had to be maintained. Neither of us was ready to be out yet.

My room was a mere formality and I threw my bag on the bed without any ceremony. I flopped down beside it. The flight here had taken forever and it was hard to keep moving. It was an effort to stay awake.

"Which room are you in?" I sent Zero a text, my fingers fumbling on the letters.

There was a reply almost instantly. He was two floors above me. I slowly gathered myself together, grabbed my key card, and headed back to the elevator. This time the elevator took longer to get to my floor and I prepared myself to see someone that I knew. As it slowly got closer to my floor I panicked and went to the stairs instead. It was easier to concentrate on putting one foot in front of the other that way.

The hallway to his floor looked deserted through the window on the door to the stairs. I watched for a few moments then stepped out and made my way to his room as quickly as possible. I knocked on his door quietly, trying not to make a lot of noise. Thankfully he heard me.

The door swung open and I stepped in past him to the room beyond. He closed the door and locked it. He was wearing a complimentary hotel robe along with his boxers. I was too tired to do much more than slump in a chair by the window. There was a half empty bottle of something I couldn’t make out on the table next to me with a glass nearby. He rubbed at his face wearily and grabbed another glass from the bathroom and sat down next to me. Then he poured a generous serving of whatever it was and put it down in front of me. I drank it as quickly as I could, hoping it would wake me up.

We sat in silence for a while. There was only a small lamp turned on by the bed on the other side of the room. It made the whole room feel like a cave. It felt like we were the last people on earth. Snow was falling outside. I found myself hypnotized by it. I hadn’t seen snow very much and it was something my weary mind latched on to. I could have watched it fall for hours.

"What are you looking at?" he asked finally, breaking the silence.

"The snow. It’s beautiful."

"Try living in it. You won’t look at it the same way," he said finally. I’d almost forgotten he’d lived somewhere it snowed on a regular basis before. It was growing hard to remember a time I hadn’t known him. The memories had all grown fuzzy in my recollection. He slowly put his head in his hands.

I poured myself more and drank it slowly this time, swirling the liquid in the glass. "So why am I here?" I asked.

Zero didn’t answer.

I kept on looking down in the glass for answers that would never come. If he wanted to have a deep philosophical conversation it needed to start soon or I was going to go to sleep.

"I don’t have it anymore," he said. "I try and try but it’s gone. I can fake it but not for long." I could barely hear him, he still had his hands over his face.

I put my glass down on the table. We’d had this conversation before. It never got any easier. ‘You’re thinking about it too much. That makes it harder."

He started to laugh, a sick hollow sound. "I know Jude, I fucking know that!" His hands clenched on his face. "It doesn’t help when everyone’s booing you.’

"They were booing you?"

"Yes, and some of them had made signs and it bothered me. It’s never bothered me like that before, at least since I started playing professionally. I thought I was used to people hating me." He covered his eyes. "It’s not supposed to be like this."

I didn’t know what to do. Sometimes I could barely motivate myself to keep going and here he was falling apart in front of my eyes. I reached a hand out and put it on his shoulder. He didn’t move or react. "Have you talked with anyone else about it?" I asked. It was the only question I could think of and I knew it wasn’t a good one.

"Who am I supposed to talk about it with? Derek? Terrence? They’d just laugh at me. For all I know they already are."

"You could talk to German or Pete. Maybe they have some ideas." But I knew he’d never go to them for help either. He’d done a great job of isolating himself from everyone else but me. I didn’t know if I should have felt flattered or not. It really wasn’t the healthiest way to live, though at least he wasn’t caught in the trap I was in of always trying to live up to the unrealistic expectations of someone else. "I’m not really good at this. I don’t know what to do to fix it."

"Just...just drop it," he said finally, his voice unsteady.

I took my hand back slowly and finished my drink. "Well, I’m going back to my room then. My flight leaves pretty early tomorrow." I started to get up.

"You’re leaving?" he asked. "You just got here."

"I had some deals I had to put on hold to fly out here. I can’t just leave everything to follow you around all the time. I have my own career too you know. And it’s not all wrapped up with you. I might not be making a million dollars but it’s important to me." I stood up and headed to the door, turning as I got closer. "I came here because I was worried about you, but if you’re not going to talk to me then I don’t really know why I bothered."

He stood up and looked like he was almost ready to snap. "Don’t you get it? You’re the only person I can talk to who actually gives a shit about me." I stood my ground by the door. This was just posturing.

"Whose fault is that? I told you you needed friends on the team. Instead you pushed everyone away with your scheming bullshit."

Zero stormed over to me. I must have hit a nerve. I hadn’t intended to. I’d said things that were best left unsaid. He came closer. "Maybe you’re the only one I cared about," he snapped. Instantly he regretted it, I could tell. But he still kept on talking like he couldn’t stop. "I was going to do all this alone, hell I still might, but ever since I met you it’s not as easy."

"What are you trying to say?" I asked.

"I care about you, okay? Maybe it’s not enough being a star anymore if there’s no one to share it with." He was staring at the wall. "You’ve been there the whole time. You didn’t leave when I got in trouble, you had my back. You didn’t give up on me."

"Don’t put me up on a pedestal. I just did what anyone..." I started.

"No one’s done that for me before. They said they would but nobody ever actually meant it." He was still staring at the spot on the wall. I took a hesitant step closer. I was waiting for him to laugh all this off and act like it wasn’t a big deal. He turned to me and his face was completely serious. "Stay a little longer. Please. I need you."

Everything felt like it was twisted inside me. I could have thrown up without very much effort. No one had ever said that they needed me before. I’d always been the one reaching out for help. It was strange to be on the other side. "Fine, I’ll stay," I said, stepping in front of him.

Tension spilled out of his body and he pulled me toward him in a desperate kiss. I kissed him back, grabbing hold of him so tightly I thought it might leave a mark. If it bothered him he didn’t let it show. When I finally pulled back a little he was almost embarrassed about the whole thing. We shared a nervous smile. "Let’s get some sleep, okay? Don’t you have a game tomorrow?"

He nodded and we made our way back to the bed. I shrugged off my suit jacket and climbed into bed next to him. Instead of sleeping we wound up kissing again, harsh almost violent kisses that served as a reminder that there was someone else there. Soon it was all I could do to hold on to him so I could kiss him back. Even though I wanted to stay awake there was a limit to what my body would allow.

 

I woke up a few hours later when the alarm went off on my cell phone. Somehow I stumbled my way over to my jacket and turned the alarm off. Zero stared at me blearily from the bed. "What time is it?"

"Early. Go back to sleep. I’ll call you later," I said. I put my jacket on clumsily.

"You don’t have to go," he said. "No one’s gonna notice."

Mentally I tried to figure out the probability of someone finding out about us if I did stay. It wasn’t anyone’s business really, but if they did find out it wouldn’t be something that we could control. We would be at the mercy of other people. That was something I didn’t particularly want right now. "It’s better if I go now," I said. I walked over and kissed him before I left. "You’re going to do fine today. Don’t worry about it." He didn’t argue.

Everything in my mind was still in the haze between sleeping and awake. I fumbled to try and close the door quietly so no one would notice. Then I turned around and Pete was standing there watching me.


	7. Chapter 7

7.

Even though I had nothing to be ashamed of and nothing to hide I still couldn’t stop myself from acting like he’d caught me doing something wrong. I froze with my hand on the door handle. Pete stared at me as if he couldn’t think of what to do himself. Time froze. For a moment I thought there was a chance we could both just step away from each other and act like it had never happened. Neither of us was that lucky.

I kept my eyes focused on him, daring him to speak. I knew if I started talking there wasn’t any telling what would come out. Finally Pete found his voice. "You and Zero?" he asked. That question could have ended so many ways. All the possibilities stretched out in front of me. You and Zero are fucking? You and Zero are dating? You and Zero are plotting the downfall of the human race? Instead I gave him a withering look that I hoped said it all. He kept on staring at me open-mouthed as if I was supposed to walk over and close it. I inched my way closer to the stairs. If he wasn’t going to say anything else I really didn’t want or need to add to the conversation. I only got a few steps before he found his voice. "Is that why he’s been distracted on the court? I should have known it was because of you. I thought he was back with Jelena or something."

There were many things I could have said in response given enough time and sleep to think of them. I could have told him that all of this had started way before we’d gotten back together again, that the Devils had won the championship when Zero and I were as together as we were now. Instead it went somewhere else. "He’s distracted because no one gives a shit about him. I’ve been trying to help him snap out of it, but I’m not a coach, I don’t know the perfect way to get him to play the way that he used to." I glared at him. "He doesn’t know how to reach out and the people that should be helping aren’t. So yeah, he’s distracted but it’s not because he and I are fucking."

It was only through sheer luck that nobody had come out of their room to see what was going on. I probably thought I was being louder than I actually was. Frustration was itching to burst out of me. I usually kept a tight lid on everything that I was feeling, it made it easier to get along with people. Here and now all the control I had was gone.

Pete stepped closer. He looked like I had pointed out something he desperately wanted to stay hidden. It took all I had not to flinch. My face still remembered when he’d punched me. I half expected him to punch me again. "I’ve offered him help he just won’t take it. Maybe you should talk to him about that." He frowned at me like he wanted to say more but thought better of it. "Look, we’ve got a game today. I don’t have time for this right now," he said finally, pushing past me and heading down the hallway. He gave me another look and shook his head before he went into his room.

I made my way to the stairs and ran down to my room. Once I had the door closed and locked it felt like I was trapped. This was not the way I wanted people to find out. Then again I wasn’t sure how I wanted people to find out. Certainly not by finding me skulking around outside a hotel room in the middle of the night. All the rage that had been poking through the surface a few minutes before sank back to where it had been. I couldn’t help running to the bathroom and throwing up. The feeling of being exposed and out there in front of everyone without any protection was a hard one to push back down. I hadn’t eaten since before I’d flown out here so it was mostly bile.

I dug my phone out of my pocket and looked at the time. There was barely enough to gather everything up and get back to the airport. Still I called Zero. He didn’t answer. I sent him a text to call me. Chances were he wouldn’t see it.

I forced myself to calm down. I had a flight to catch and all of this had to wait. Of all the many things Pete was I knew he wasn’t a gossip. It was hard to imagine him going to the press or anyone else between the time I got on the flight and the time I got off. And even if he did tell someone I tried to tell myself it wouldn’t matter. It wouldn’t change anything. It would just mean making adjustments.

The clerk at the front desk didn’t act like she was surprised that I was checking out only a few hours after I’d got there. She barely looked at me before handing me a receipt and disappearing. Right then it was exactly what I needed, someone who acted like they had no idea who I was and didn’t care. I knew that wouldn’t last for long. Once the story came out, if Pete said anything, I had no doubt that every facet of my life would be examined and held up for scrutiny. It was bad enough when Oscar had done it, now it could potentially be the whole world.

The Jude that had wanted to kiss Zero in front of everyone after the Devils won the championship suddenly stirred to life. Did it really matter if everyone knew? It wouldn’t change anything between Zero and I and it wasn’t something to be ashamed of. I clung to that thought as I made my way out to the waiting taxi.

 

Somehow I made my flight and yet again wasn’t able to sleep. Instead I spent my time plotting out all possible outcomes and ways to handle the situation on the napkin that came with the in-flight drink. I made a large diagram replete with symbols and lines connecting them. The woman sitting next to me asked if the symbols were satanic. She spent most of the rest of the flight watching me while holding her cross necklace and muttering to herself.

There weren’t any messages on my phone after I got off the plane. I tried calling him again and he still didn’t answer. "Call me, it’s important," I said. I didn’t know what he was doing, maybe they were at practice or something. The Devils wouldn’t be back in town for a few days, an eternity.

I called Lionel next. It took a few rings for her to pick up, she answered right before I was going to give up. "What? I have an audition in an hour," she said.

"Pete found out about me and Zero." It came out all in a rush.

There was a long pause. I could hear her moving something around. "So? He’s not going to do anything about it or tell anyone. It’s not like Jelena saw you."

"Yeah, but Pete hates me, especially after what I did to try and get him back with you." That had been a mistake that I wasn’t sure he would forgive me for even though he had gone back to Sloane.

"He might not like you but he’s not going to say anything. Otherwise he’d have to deal with a lot of publicity. And you know the Devils don’t need that right now."

"Zero doesn’t even know he saw me yet." I was slowly ticking down my mental list of things I had to take care of. "And what if my boss finds out?"

"Jude, you’re going to have to deal with it if it comes up. I know you can handle it, okay?" There was another sound of her slamming a drawer and then shuffling papers. "I have to go, I want to be early for my audition."

"Good luck," I said joylessly and hung up. What she’d said had been just barely enough to make me stop thinking about it.

There was really only one person left who might be able to help. I hadn’t talked to her in a while. I typed in the phone number I’d never been able to forget. She picked up on the second ring. "Mom?"

"Jude! It’s so nice to hear from you. I know you’re busy but it wouldn’t hurt you to call me sometime." A flicker of guilt twitched through me.

"I’m sorry I haven’t called. Work has been crazy." Feeling guilty about not calling her didn’t mean that I still wouldn’t lie to her.

"I can imagine it is, working with all those stars. It must be exhausting." She almost sounded jealous, like she wished she could have a taste of it too.

"Yeah, it is." I wanted to say more but I couldn’t find the words. My mouth suddenly went completely dry.

"Are you making new friends?"

"That’s what I was calling about. I’m dating someone. One of my clients. It’s complicated and something happened." Everything that was going on seemed stuck behind my teeth. I wanted to tell her but it wouldn’t come out.

There was a long pause. I could almost see her trying to think of something to say. "Why don’t you come and see me? We can talk about it." Right then that seemed like the best idea anyone had ever had. Certainly better than going home to my apartment and waiting for Zero to call. I had a feeling he was going to be too busy to call me for most of the day.

The appointments I had to make all passed by in a daze. After they were over I couldn’t say what they had been about or what I’d agreed to. Everyone else seemed happy about whatever had been done so that had to be enough for right now.

Once I’d gotten done with the last one I got into my car and headed for my mom’s. She had practically ordered me to stay the night and I couldn’t think of any reason not to. There wasn’t anything here for me right now.

 

My mom lived a few hours away in a small town that might as well have had "Everytown USA" slapped all over it. In order to get her to agree to the divorce Oscar had given her the house they’d started out in and a generous monthly stipend that she used to supplement what she made as the branch manager of a bank. It was comfortable and she never complained to me about being pushed to the side so that Oscar could achieve his goals. She was about as far away from Los Angeles and being out and about in the world as someone could be. Sometimes I wondered if she was helping Oscar hide something-a body buried under the pool or a safe full of money in the basement.

The whole time I’d been driving here I kept on checking my phone. There hadn’t been anything from Zero though I’d left him messages that increased in urgency. I kept telling myself that he was busy and that’s why he wasn’t calling, it wasn’t a personal rejection. For the most part it seemed to work.

She was outside gardening when I drove up. As soon as she saw me get out of the car she stood up and came over to give me a hug. I hugged her back, letting it drag on for too long. She laughed, holding me at arm’s length to look at me. She had barely changed, though there were more wrinkles around her eyes and some of her hair was starting to go grey. I looked nothing like Oscar and almost completely like her. "It’s good to see you. You should stop by more often."

Maybe she was right. I hadn’t been to see her in at least a year. I told myself and her it was because I was busy with work, but maybe it was because I was still trying to make a good impression on Oscar by cutting ties with the past. I had pushed her away in order to get closer to him. Time would tell how much of a mistake that had been. "I’m sorry, it’s...it’s been hard to find the time to get out here."

Her smile twitched but she soon covered it up. "Come inside so we can talk."

 

Soon we were sitting at the kitchen table. Everything was pretty much as it had been since the last time I’d been there, though she’d had to move a bunch of paperwork so that there would be enough room for both of us. There were still pictures on the walls of her and Oscar. They had been high school sweethearts. The pictures were of the both of them when they were happy. I’d grown up looking at the pictures and wondering why the man who looked so happy and carefree in them had decided he didn’t want to have anything to do with me. The only time I’d ever seen Oscar happy in person was when he’d pulled something over on someone, never about anything I’d done.

"Now why don’t you tell me what’s wrong from the beginning," she suggested, putting a glass of water in front of me.

The beginning? That stretched out to so far before I’d known Zero that for a moment I was unable to think of anything to say. And I don’t know if I could have stood it if she found out that I was gay and rejected me just like Oscar had. Eventually I forced myself to tell her a condensed version, not dwelling on anything in particular.

She asked a few questions but for the most part she listened. I remembered that most about growing up with her. No matter what was wrong she always took the time to listen. After I’d finished she closed her eyes and sat for a few minutes deep in thought. I held on to the water glass like it would protect me from whatever she had to say. "So this Pete saw you going out of your boyfriend’s hotel room and now you’re worried he’s going to tell everyone?" She rubbed at her forehead. "What’s the worst that could happen?"

That made everything twist again. "We’re all over the news and can’t go anywhere without being followed. He breaks up with me. My boss finds out and I lose my job." I was going to keep going when she put up a hand for me to stop.

"Why do you always jump to the worst possible conclusions with everything?" she asked. "Sometimes I almost think you want something bad to happen."

"No, what I want is for things to stay the same. I’m happy right now. I don’t want it to change." That was the most frightening thing of all.

"Then you’re going to have to wait and see what happens. Maybe things won’t change. Maybe they will. But you know you always have a place here." She reached out and grabbed my hand. I had always known that. But while I knew I could always go back I was afraid that would mean I’d be giving up somehow and wind up sealed away from the things that mattered to me. Just like Oscar had done to her.

She must have realized that. "Oscar might have encouraged me to stay here but it certainly wasn’t something I didn’t want to do. Success was changing him, making him into someone I didn’t recognize anymore. And I never fit in with the crowd of people he was surrounding himself with." She squeezed my hand. "If you want to come back you wouldn’t have to stay forever. I’ll support you no matter what happens."

I managed a weak smile and then we hugged across the table. It was the first time since I’d gotten back that the constant specter of worry that always clung to me seemed to have gone. "Thank you," I said. "I needed to hear that."

"Now you know why you should visit me more often," she said, laughing. "And whenever your boyfriend gets back I want to meet him."

I had to laugh at the thought of Zero and my mom meeting each other. He’d be his overcompensating flirtatious self and she’s see right through it.

"Do you have a picture of him?" she asked. I pulled out my phone and showed her the only one I had, which wasn’t even one I’d taken. It was one from my agency’s web-site. "You don’t have anything of the two of you together?"

"No, I guess it never came up." In truth I don’t think I’d ever even thought about it. I put the phone away. Now that things were a little more stable between us maybe we could start doing more normal things that couples did.

"So his name is Zero? Someone actually named their kid Zero?" my mom asked.

"No, his real name is Gideon. His foster family called him Zero."

"If Gideon’s his real name why are you calling him Zero?" That was a good question and one I didn’t really have an answer for. No matter how much Zero told me about himself I never felt like I had actually met Gideon.

"He’s never asked me not to. I think he’s used to it now."

"I don’t think I can call him that."

I smiled. "That’s fine. I don’t think he’d expect you to."

 

After I’d talked with her a little while longer I went out into the back yard. It had been where I went to get away from everything when I was growing up. It was nice to get back to something familiar and constant for a while. It looked pretty much the same though the trees and bushes had grown since the last time I’d been here.

My phone rang. It was Zero, finally. The nausea and nervousness that had been dissipating all day came back with a vengeance. I had to remind myself it was going to be okay before I answered. "Hello?"

"Hey, just got back to the hotel. Sorry I didn’t have time to call earlier." He sounded exhausted. "Pete’s been riding my ass all day. He kept me after everyone else to do more drills and then he gave me a long pep talk. It was weird."

"Did you play better?" I hadn’t watched the game, I’d been too consumed by my own worrying to focus on much of anything.

He laughed. "Are you taking his side on this? Yeah, I scored a couple of times and blocked a few shots, but that’s not because of Pete." I had to smile to myself. Zero was still trying to pretend that he could handle everything all by himself. "So why did you call me so many times today? Did you miss me already?" I could almost see his smile.

"No. Something happened this morning. Pete saw me coming out of your room."

"And that freaked you out? Pete doesn’t care. It does explain why he was awkward around me all day though."

"He didn’t say anything to you, did he?"

"Like what? ‘I know you and Jude are fucking?’ No. Pete’s not like that. You probably weirded him out more than finding out about us did." I didn’t know what to say. He changed his tone to one that was more understanding. "It’s going to be fine."

"How can you say that? If my boss finds out or..."

"Then we’ll deal with it then. Sure, Pete knows, but it’s not like he told anyone. You don’t have to tell anyone if you don’t want to." He sounded like he was trying to convince himself as much as me. "I know you always go right to doom and gloom but it’ll work out."

All of the things that were holding me down seemed lighter somehow. "Thanks. That’s pretty much exactly what my mom said."

"You talked to your mom about us? You never talk about her. I thought she might be as bad as Oscar or something," he said.

"No, we’re close. I never have any time to see her though." I was walking around outside in the backyard. The pool needed cleaning, there were leaves floating on the surface of the water. I’d spent many hours here as a kid wishing that I could float away.

"I’ll be back in a couple of days. Nothing’s going to happen. Remember that."

 

As the days ticked down to Zero coming back there were a few times that I came close to talking to my boss about it in a way that would sidestep admitting anything. But I figured he’d see right through the story I’d come up with about a ‘friend’ who was also an agent who just happened to be dating his client. Looking through the office policies there wasn’t anything that expressly forbade it but they had been drawn up a long time ago and I really doubted that anyone had thought about the possibility at the time.

I acted like I usually did and did the things that I was supposed to do. No one said or did anything that suggested that they’d noticed me acting strangely. No reporters showed up to ambush me while I was at work and so I figured Pete had probably decided not to say anything.

 

The day Zero came back I made sure to stay late at work just so I could have the small guilty pleasure of coming home and having someone else there. Once I opened the door I noticed the lights were on and he’d thrown his bags on the living room floor where they gave the whole room a sort of locker room smell. The kitchen was almost a disaster area. He’d opened a few boxes of cereal and left them on the counter next to a bowl still half-filled with milk. The Jude of a few months ago would have let resentment simmer but today all I felt was relief that he’d come back.

I dumped the milk in the sink and put away the cereal boxes. When I turned around he was standing in the doorway looking at me and shaking his head. "I was gonna clean that up later," he said. "You didn’t have to."

I managed a smile. "I didn’t mind."

"Did you have to work late or something?" he asked. "I’ve been waiting forever." He had a towel wrapped around his waist. I hadn’t seen him in a couple of days and this was almost torture. My eyes were drawn to a water droplet making its way down his chest.

He noticed and gave me a devilish smile before tossing the towel aside and walking into the bedroom. "Asshole," I muttered, following him.

"Yeah, but that’s what you like about me," he said over his shoulder. I didn’t give him the satisfaction of admitting it was true. Instead I pushed him down on the bed. He started to try to get back up and I stopped him with a look. As I slowly peeled off my clothes he watched me from the bed with eyes that missed nothing. I made it take as long as possible, each button taking an eternity to slide free from its fabric prison. I forced myself to stay calm. Zero was licking his lips as the layers came off. "Now who’s the asshole?" he asked, his voice thick with lust.

I shrugged. "What can I say? You’re a bad influence." My belt unhooked easily and it didn’t take much longer after that before I was completely naked.

Zero was still watching me intently from the bed almost like I was something on display just for him. He was getting hard and it must have been painful but he didn’t make any move to touch himself. I slowly took the couple of steps over to the bed and then straddled him right below where it would do any good. Once our skin touched I had to close my eyes to remind myself to slow down. It had been too long.

He was leaning on his elbows looking at me daring me to act. I leaned over and kissed him, a deep kiss that took both of our breaths away. When I pulled away he didn’t follow. Instead he watched and waited for me to take the lead. I did, covering his cock with a hand and leaving it there until he couldn’t stand it anymore. He started to try to shift to a more stimulating position. I started to trail a finger up the underside and he began to tremble, his eyes sliding closed. At any point he could have reached out to touch me and end this but he didn’t. I let myself continue to stroke him as slowly as I dared. For whatever reason I wanted this to last as long as it could.

Zero finally couldn’t handle it, his hands went to my hips and tried to pull me down. Even though it felt amazing and it would have been easy to give in I didn’t. Each breath was a struggle but I forced myself to stay in control. "Fuck, would you do something?" he hissed. In response I stroked his cock harder. His hands tightened on my hips.

I leaned down and kissed him again. He kissed back hungrily. It didn’t take long to work my way to his neck. All along I kept stroking him. "What do you want me to do?" I asked, my voice hoarse. I slowly moved my hand to his cheek.

Zero closed his eyes and moaned. "Just fuck me, ok?" he panted. I had had enough of drawing this out so I dug out a condom and lube from the night stand. I moved off of his legs and he spread them so that I could have better access.

The lube was slick in my hands as I spread it on my fingers. Zero tried to relax as I slid a finger inside of him. I was having a hard time resisting the urge to speed things up and take it to its conclusion. But at the same time the anticipation felt so good that I never wanted it to end. I was getting harder just watching him lose control. I slowly worked in another finger, stretching him. His hands were clenched in the sheets. When I hit his prostate, he grabbed onto me, his eyes angry and begging me to go faster.

I added another finger. The sounds he was making were unholy. My own breath hitched in my lungs. The crackle as I ripped open the condom wrapper cut through the tension. Zero watched intently as I put it on and moved to enter him. He groaned as I pushed inside.

I braced my hands on either side of him on the bed. Zero looked up at me, his eyes daring me to go faster. And so I did, each thrust a slow burn that traveled through my body. I waited for him to push me over and take control but he settled for crossing his legs behind me, pulling me down into him. And he strained to lift his head up to kiss me. I met his lips with mine, then found myself resting my forehead against his as I moved in and out. It was a tortuous sensation, one that kept building until I was sure I was going to break.

Eventually there was only so much I could take. Release built up inside me and threatened to explode. And I did with his legs holding me in place. After I came I grabbed hold of his cock and stroked him to orgasm. He came violently, biting back any verbal sign of his release. We stayed stuck together for a while and then slowly slid apart.

After we finished I slumped down onto the bed beside him-too tired to do much else. Zero was exhausted too, though after he took a look at me he was up and in the bathroom cleaning up. When he came back he tossed me a washcloth and climbed into bed next to me. I could feel him watching me. I cleaned myself off and then pulled the sheets up around us.

He hit me on the side. "I should go away more often if I get to come back to that," he said, smiling mischievously. "What was all that about?"

"All what?" I really didn’t know what he was talking about.

"Usually you don’t take things slow," he said. It was true, most of the time we attacked each other like there was a time limit and we’d never get to see each other again.

"It felt like we could take our time with it for once instead of rushing." We laid there for a while not touching but not sleeping either. It had been a while since I’d had someone else in bed with me. There was something irresistible about that, it was something I reached for and something I needed. And the fact that Zero was going along with it and not fighting me for once was heartwarming.

Zero had his eyes closed. "I talked to Pete," he said. It echoed in the room. My skin chilled and I burrowed into the sheets.

"Why?" It felt like we’d been lucky so far, we didn’t need to start poking at things and have them explode in our faces.

"I still have to see him all the time. I wanted to try and make it less weird," he said, glancing at me briefly.

"What did he say?"

"He said it’s not any of his business. He’s not going to do anything. He’s still pissed off at you though."

"I don’t think that’s going to change." It was hard to think about all the people I’d pissed off or hurt while trying to remake the world in Oscar’s image. I had a feeling if I started to list them all I wouldn’t be able to stop.

Zero elbowed me in the side. "Stop thinking about it. He’s mad at you, so what? There’s more important things to worry about."

"Like getting you back on track?" I asked. Because that was still an issue no matter how much he tried to protest that he was doing better. Thankfully Pete was starting to take an interest in turning things around but who knew how long that would last.

He glared at me. "No, like getting back to the plan." I was surprised he still wanted to talk about it like that, especially after all that had happened when he’d tried to create his own.

"You still want to try to do that?"

"Yeah, but this time I want to do it together like we talked about."


	8. Chapter 8

8.

I didn’t ask him what that plan was. In some ways I didn’t want to know. When we’d talked about making him a star before we’d only been dealing in hypothetical scenarios and pipe dreams. At the time I had believed that pretty much all he would have to do would be play his best and win the championship. Fans and sponsorships would follow. He’d seemed on board. I didn’t know exactly when our plans diverged. He wanted to make sure it would happen and he wasn’t above trying to make it happen by any means necessary.

This time had to be different. I’d had enough of doing that kind of thing for Oscar. I didn’t need to replace one person who asked me to do shitty things with another.

Zero was asleep next to me. He hadn’t had any trouble falling asleep after talking with me. I wished I had been able to do the same. He was curled up facing away from me, his whole body relaxed and his breathing slowed down. I couldn’t put everything aside just like that. Sure he’d said he wanted to do things together but exactly what that meant was hard to pin down. I chose to be optimistic about it, he wouldn’t have told me unless he was serious. It was a step in the right direction- he wasn’t thinking only about himself and this time his goals weren’t completely self-serving. It felt like I had to be extremely careful because if things went badly he might never trust anyone else again.

Eventually I had to accept that I wasn’t going to get any sleep tonight. I got out of bed as quietly as I could so I didn’t disturb him, then I got dressed and went into the kitchen. It was still dark outside. I sat at the kitchen table nursing a cup of coffee that I couldn’t taste writing up a plan that I hoped he would agree to. This time I had more faith that he would actually listen to me. After we were thrown together a second time he’d been willing to be more vulnerable, to let at least me in to what he was truly thinking. I didn’t want to ruin that.

Light was coming in through the window over the sink. I stopped writing and looked up. Zero was leaning against the door frame again. "When did you get up?" he asked. Then, before I could reply, he answered. "You never went to sleep, did you?"

I didn’t respond. He sighed and pulled out the chair across from me and sat down. I let him take the paper away from me. He read through it the methodical way he usually did. When he finished he looked up at me like he’d just met me, like he’d never known me before. "I don’t want to do any of the sneaky shit anymore. You can be a star without making everyone hate you," I said.

He put the paper down and looked away from me. "So you want me to be friends with everyone on the team and act like it’s all great? Who exactly should I be dazzling with my friendship skills?"

"I think it might be helpful if more people had your back. Derek and Terence probably aren’t going to go for it, but some of the newer players might be more willing to trust you."

He nodded reluctantly. I knew all of this following my advice stuff was going to be hard for him, especially when he’d barely done it before. His finger traced down the paper from bullet point to bullet point. "Do I really have to talk about my family?"

I’d only written it down as a last ditch effort. I didn’t think he’d go for it. "No, you don’t. Only if you want to. It might get more sympathy, help people relate to you. But you don’t have to do it."

He picked up the pen and crossed it off violently. I wondered why that idea was the one that he had the biggest problem with considering that I’d also put coming out on the list. It felt like that would be what would cause the greatest change in his life. "Then I won’t."

I watched him staring at the list for a while. "The biggest thing you need to do is start playing better. None of this can fall into place until you do. And I know you can." I grabbed his hand, making him drop the piece of paper. "I’ll do whatever I can for you, okay?"

He gave me a shaky smile. "How about you go back to bed and get some sleep?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I’m not sure what stars aligned or what finally clicked but the next game he finally started playing like he used to. He scored baskets and blocked shots and had the whole arena on their feet cheering for him. The cloud of failure that had hung over the team for most of the season was pushed away, if only for a moment.

I caught up with him as everyone else was leaving the locker room. Zero was sitting in front of his locker with a satisfied smile on his face. As people passed him by they slapped him on the back and told him good job. I hung back until the crowd thinned. Finally it was just the two of us. "Good job," I said.

Zero managed a cocky smile. "It finally felt right. It was like it used to be." He almost seemed shocked by it.

I sat down next to him unsure of what to do. What I wanted more than anything was to kiss him, but we were still at that awkward stage where the lines of how much affection to show in public were still being drawn. They were a lot less rigid than they had been. "I knew you could do it." I took a chance and kissed him quickly, my hand going to his cheek reflexively.

He didn’t pull away but he didn’t reciprocate either. When I moved back he had his eyes closed. Once we pulled apart his eyes darted around to see if anyone was watching before he turned back to me. "Is that what you were gonna do when the Devils won the championship?" he asked.

I smiled and shook my head. "No, this is." This time I grabbed him and kissed him as passionately as I could. He kissed back. We pushed against each other, bracing against the lockers. I grabbed onto his shirt, trying to pull him closer. He let me. When we finally pulled apart for air he still held on to my shirt.

"I’m sorry I missed out on that," he said softly.

I laughed. "I am too."

He stood up and gave me a sly smile. I wasn’t sure what he wanted to do until he pulled me toward him, his hands on my hips. If I hadn’t just seen pretty much everyone leave I would have been a lot more nervous about it. "Right here?" I asked.

"Why not?"

"It’s kind of exposed."

It felt like he realized that and he nodded toward the showers.

Right then I was so happy that things seemed like they were actually working out that I let down a few barriers and let him lead me into the showers. There was a waist high wall down the center of the room that blocked out some of the view. He had me lean against it, his hands groping my crotch while he kissed my neck. He was almost feral in his intensity, like he wanted to devour me.

I still held back a little, unsure of what would happen if I did give in all the way. His mouth was hot on mine and our tongues slid over each other in a way that I wouldn’t be able to forget. I couldn’t keep my eyes open except for brief flashes where I caught glimpses of him with his eyes half-closed and hazy with lust as he kissed me.

My hands were tight on his hips. He hadn’t changed into street clothes yet and maybe this shower sex was a backwards way for him to get clean. Maybe he didn’t care what it was like as long as he had me right where he wanted. It was easy to work my hands underneath his jersey and touch his skin. He was boiling and slick with sweat. Our skin slid over each others’, fighting for purchase. He had the harder way to go with me, unbuckling my belt and trying to get things loose enough to where he could finally do something.

Once my cock hit the air it was a shock to my system that I couldn’t ignore. My mind went blank and it was all I could do to stay standing as he kissed me and worked his hand into my pants. My hands slid around from his side to the front, trying to touch him but he pulled away and sank down to his knees. My hands went to the wall behind me, trying to hang on to something. He pulled my shirt loose from my pants and then started kissing down my abdomen.

I hissed in a breath. He stuck his tongue out and then licked at the tip of my cock. The extra stimulation was almost more than I could bear. My hands slipped on the tile. He held on to my thighs as he took me further into his mouth. It was warm and wet and his tongue swirled all over my cock. There was no hesitation, only a kind of rushed desperation.

Zero took me to the edge with a workman-like intensity. The few times I was able to look down at him he had his eyes closed and my cock in his mouth. I couldn’t hold my moans back as I got closer to the edge. My hand went out from the barrier and onto his shoulder, begging him to increase the pace. And he did, coaxing responses out of me that I didn’t expect. My legs were barely supporting me as I came. He barely had time to get out of the way.

I couldn’t keep my eyes open and I sank back on the barrier. When I opened them again Zero was still squatting in front of me wiping his mouth off. He smirked up at me. I tried to get myself dressed enough so that I looked at least close to normal.

He pushed himself back up to his feet. "I’m gonna take a shower and get changed," he said.

"Do you want company?" I asked. Zero gave me a quick smile before taking his jersey off and throwing it at me. I caught it and held it to my chest awkwardly.

"It’s up to you. I wouldn’t want to mess up your suit." He stripped the rest of the way and walked into the showers.

"Very funny. I can wait until we get back home. You never know when someone’s going to come in."

"Whatever you want Jude," he called out from underneath the spray.

I walked back out into the hallway by the locker room. The phone reception was better and I didn’t want to tempt fate and have someone discover us. The blow job was enough of a risk.

Zero came out a few minutes later and clapped his hands on my shoulders. "Wanna go to an after party? Some of the team is meeting up at a night club to celebrate."

Even though that sounded like my version of hell on earth I forced myself to smile and agree. I couldn’t deny him the chance to celebrate his win. This was all for his career, if that got back on track who cared about people knowing about us and all the shit that went with it?

Zero looked at me oddly for a second. "We don’t have to go if you’re not feeling up to it," he said. "I know I wore you out."

I laughed at him. "You’d have to do a lot more than that to tire me out."

 

The nightclub was loud and dark. It was easy to stop thinking and just act. It didn’t matter that Zero was flirting offhandedly with the bartender because he came right back over to sit with me. I let myself not worry about it for once in my life. It felt great to be able to relax and trust that things were going to work out.

It seemed like the other guys on the team were actually interested in talking to Zero. I wasn’t sure if it was out of a true desire to be friends or if there was something else that they wanted out of it but right now it didn’t matter. It had been a long time since I’d seen Zero actually look confident and happy about something in his life and I didn’t want to take that away from him.

As the night went on he pulled me into the bathroom. It was deserted so I didn’t resist as he pulled me into a stall and started kissing me. I did make sure the door was closed and locked behind us. That way there was at least a little barrier protecting us if someone decided to burst in.

I pulled him closer, kissing him without the restraint I usually showed when we were out in public. Right now it felt like he was back to being himself, not the depressed man who wasn’t sure of himself and his place in the world. A lot of the worry that I’d been carrying around went away, if only for a moment.

He pushed me up against the wall and kissed me, his hands on either side of me. I put my arms around him and held on. It might have been partly the alcohol but it felt like I was floating and this was all the culmination of some inner struggle we’d been fighting that had come to the ultimate payoff.

"How much longer do you want to stay?" he asked after we’d broken apart. He was breathing heavily like he’d just played another game.

"I’m ready to go whenever you are," I said, grabbing his lips for another kiss.

 

We wound up back at my apartment nearly tearing each others’ clothes off before stumbling into the bedroom. We were all over each other in the best possible way. It felt like my nerves were all firing at once. I could have existed on the edge of ecstasy like that forever. Once he was inside me and we were moving together it was easy to think that all of this was worth the pain and uncertainty that had been the past few weeks. There was a still long way to go but that didn’t mean we couldn’t enjoy the journey.

I hooked my arms around his neck and pulled him down to kiss me. His thrusts had slowed down, making this a tortuous test of endurance. I would have gladly done it over and over again just to enjoy this feeling of both our bodies moving as one.

When release came spiraling its way through my spine I couldn’t hold back the moans that I’d been biting back any longer. It was all I could do to keep myself from saying something that I knew I would regret and Zero wouldn’t be able to handle. Even though I knew we loved each other at some level I knew our relationship wasn’t at the point where we could say it without everything toppling down. So I let myself think it as I kissed him, and let myself dare to think we had a future when I pulled him down into me.

We wound up sleeping all tangled together instead of apart like we usually did. It felt like things were working together instead of independently.

I should have known it wouldn’t last.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My boss called me into his office a few days later. He didn’t gesture for me to sit down and he had a serious expression on his face, almost like he was disappointed in me. I stayed standing in front of his desk waiting for him to speak.

"Jude, are you familiar with the company’s new relationship policy?" A shiver went through my entire body. It took all I had to remain standing. This exact scenario had been in one of my nightmares. "If you haven’t, it’s fine. We just adopted it a week or so ago. You should have had an e-mail about it. You missed the meeting where we discussed it." That had been on a day when I’d ducked out early to go to see Zero. They’d said the meeting was optional. I had to bite down hard on my tongue to keep from cursing out loud.

My boss was looking at me like he was expecting me to say something. "I must have missed it."

He nodded. "I thought so. It was something Oscar had been pushing for before his legal troubles and we finally drafted a policy up. Legal said we really should have had one sooner. Without it we could get sued if something goes wrong." I really needed to sit down. My hand grabbed on to the back of one of the chairs in front of his desk. He nodded that I could sit. I had to sit on my hands to overcome the urge to put my head in them.

"What...what are the consequences for dating a client?" My voice shook.

He gave me a pitying look. "If things are in the early stages we would assign the client to a new agent. Otherwise it’s a potential liability so the agent would have to be let go." He tapped his fingers on the table in a dreary rhythm. "This new policy also covers dating in the office too. So no dating your assistant." I tried to keep my face neutral while I knew I was going to have to tell him about Zero. He was staring at me like he already knew something was wrong.

"I...I haven’t had a chance to read the e-mail. Last time I checked there wasn’t any kind of policy about dating clients." I clutched to any shred of a defense that I might have left. But ultimately ignorance wasn’t an excuse.

His eyebrows were slowly rising. "Do you have something you need to tell me?" he asked.

Everything I wanted to say crawled into my throat and died. I should have known that even in prison Oscar could still reach out and fuck up my life. My boss stared at me expectantly as I tried to think of the best way to tell him about Zero. Because I was going to have to tell him and no matter how understanding he had been about other difficult patches in my life I wasn’t sure how he would handle this. Still I had to do it, if only to save my job.

"I think..." I focused on a point next to his head. "I think in light of recent policy changes it might be for the best if Zero was assigned a new agent."

I expected him to look shocked. I thought he’d at least have pretended to look surprised. Instead he was looking at me like he was proud I’d said something. "I had a feeling something was going on, just not with who. You know why it can’t keep going the way it is, right?"

I nodded morosely. "If we broke up or something happened it would reflect badly on the agency-on you."

He had the good grace to at least look regretful about it. "I don’t want you to wind up in the middle of some big scandal either. Nobody said you couldn’t still support him-just not in the same way. Did you have anyone in particular in mind who could take over? " I let him talk to me about how hard this was for him and how awful he felt about it while my mind went elsewhere. How the hell was I going to explain this to Zero? Would this put his career back in a tail-spin?

I gave my boss the names of two of my colleagues who might be suitable replacements and then made my way back to my office. I tried to work on a few things but quickly realized there was no way I was going to get anything of worth accomplished today. I wasn’t any use to anyone like this. I went home.

 

Zero found me there later sitting in front of a few empty bottles of beer. I could almost feel the exact moment he regretted coming into the room, though he hid it well. "Day drinking, huh? What would your mom say?" Jokes were his way of dealing with difficult situations. I should have expected it.

"She’d wonder why I wasn’t drinking something harder," I snapped back. I regretted it instantly but it was too late. In truth I had looked for something else but there hadn’t been anything stronger in the apartment.

He made a face that said he wasn’t going to put up with my shit and got something to drink out of the refrigerator. "Should I even ask what happened?"

"I would’ve thought by now someone would’ve told you." It didn’t seem like the kind of thing my boss would have left up to me.

Zero looked at me expectantly, eyebrows raised. "What? It must be bad if it’s got you this fucked up."

"I can’t be your agent anymore," I said.

All the expression left his face, only to be replaced a second later with a smile. "Is that it? I thought you were gonna say that someone found out and we have to have a press conference to talk about it." I thought it was interesting that his worst case scenario always involved talking about his personal life in public.

"No. My boss knows but he’s not gonna say anything. I gave him the names of some other agents that you might be willing to work with."

"It’s not like you can’t keep talking to me or anything, right?" He looked at me for a response. I nodded. "Then it’s not so bad, ok? Don’t freak out about it. You still have your job."

"I think the thing that bothers me the most about it is that Oscar was the one who pushed them to start doing it." I shuddered.

"You think he knows who you’re dating?" I wished more than anything we were talking about this under different circumstances so I could enjoy the fact that he’d said dating instead of one of the hundreds of other words he could have used to describe our relationship.

"I think it would be stupid to think that he doesn’t. If he had my neighbor spying on me is it really hard to believe that he wouldn’t know exactly who I was being loud with?"

Zero tried to put on a brave face. "If he knows all this shit about you why hasn’t he done anything with it? If he’s got proof you and I are together why not lead off with that and be done with it?"

"Apparently it was something he suggested a long time ago that they decided to put into place now. It’s messed up that even though he’s in jail somehow he can always reach out and fuck up my life." I got up and went to the fridge to get another beer, twisting it open with my hand and cutting the shit out of my fingers in the process. I’d forgotten I’d gotten ones where the cap didn’t just twist off. "Fuck," I hissed, hoping that the gouges wouldn’t start bleeding. Of course they did, dripping blood onto the floor.

I could tell Zero was pissed but he threw a towel at me and then went into the bathroom to grab my sad excuse for first aid supplies. Once everything was taped up and the floor had been wiped up he went back to the other side of the room and looked at me warily.

"Look, your family is even more fucked up than mine. You have to find a way to deal with that or Oscar’s just gonna keep popping back into your life and ruining it."

"So I should act like he can’t?"

He shrugged. "I don’t know. But you can’t let him keep affecting you like this. You’re never going to be able to relax." After he finished talking he went into the bathroom and turned on the shower.

I was left thinking about what to do next. Unless I figured out a way to push Oscar to the side I was always going to be looking over my shoulder wondering what he would do next.

 

The answer, it turned out, was surprisingly simple. Lionel practically jumped at the chance to meet me for dinner. She chose someplace trendy and hip where all of the younger Hollywood stars could see and be seen by each other. She was sitting with someone I didn’t recognize when I got there. He left before I reached her table. She gave him a coquettish wave. When she turned to look at me the smile she gave was genuine.

"How does it feel to be back on top?" I asked, sitting down across from her. She’d gotten the part and she’d told me offers for other roles were flowing in. There wasn’t as much time in her life for going to Devils games. Looking at how happy and free she appeared now I wasn’t sure that that was a bad thing.

She shook her head at me. "Being in a TV movie isn’t anywhere near the top. It’s nice to have people talking to me again though. Makes me feel like I’m wanted." She waved at someone at another table.

"I look forward to seeing you in more movies," I said. "It’s stupid how one flop can define your whole career."

"That’s the business. You just have to keep your head up." Lionel smiled grimly. "So how are things going with you? You sounded upset on the phone."

I looked down at my water glass. "They could be better. I’m not Zero’s agent anymore."

"How’d that happen?"

"Agents can’t date clients. New policy." I decided to be as straight-forward as possible. Her eyes widened.

"I think I know a few people who would be breaking that rule. Why didn’t you just lie about it?" It was interesting that she thought that would have been a good idea.

"I would have if I didn’t need the job." My job was one of the few things that I wanted to hold on to.

"Why did they decide to change things now?"

"I don’t know." My grip on the water glass tightened. "I think it was because of Oscar. He said something to my boss a while ago and they decided to start following his suggestion."

She didn’t even look surprised. "Yeah, that sounds like something Oscar would do. He likes to have backup plans for ways to screw people over." I wondered what he’d done to her.

"I want to change that. I want to make him just as powerless as he’s made me."

Lionel took a sip out of her wine glass. "And how exactly would you do that?"

"Remember those files that you had me look at? A few of those placed into the right hands and neither of us have to worry about Oscar again."

She smiled coyly. "So you want to finish what Sloane started." I nodded. "You do realize that this could all blow back on you. You might wind up in a cell next to Oscar." She swirled her drink. "I might too."

A chill ran down my spine. I hadn’t thought through what the consequences might be for anyone else. "I don’t know what else to do."

Lionel was watching me carefully. "I think you have the right idea but not the right way to do it." All of my attention focused on her. "Let me take care of it."

"What are you going to do?"

"Let me worry about it." She gave me a reassuring smile and patted my hand. "Just come to my next premiere with me."

~~~~~~~~

The next few weeks were relatively quiet ones. Zero’s new agent took over without any incident and I focused on the things that mattered the most now. I went to work with the same attitude I always had and worked as hard as I could for my clients. After the conversation I’d had with my boss about Zero he hadn’t treated me any differently. As long as I kept on getting results he really didn’t care what I did. In a way it was probably a good thing that I wasn’t Zero’s agent any longer. I could actually focus on what I needed to do instead of thinking about him all day at work and at home.

The Devils had turned themselves around and were leading their conference. They were a few games ahead of everyone and on track to win the championship again. Zero was almost playing better than he ever had before. Most of the doubts that had plagued him from before seemed like they’d gone. Whenever I saw Pete I tried to be as nice as possible to him. I didn’t think Zero would have been able to dig himself out of that hole without his help.

As Zero started to play better the reporters that had dogged him for months trying to capture his latest slip up started to drift away. He’d never fully moved out of his apartment. We started to split our time between the two. His was certainly a lot more comfortable, and didn’t have nosy neighbors.

The things that had annoyed us about each other didn’t seem so important now. Over time Zero slowly opened up more and more, giving me brief glimpses of how he really felt. I treated these insights with the respect that they deserved. It would have been easy to take for granted the fact that now he didn’t flinch away from me holding his hand in public if I hadn’t remembered how long it had taken to get to that point.

I didn’t hear anything from Oscar. New evidence suddenly surfaced that was hard for him to refute. I wasn’t sure what Lionel had done but his request for bail was denied. Chances were he’d find a way to get out eventually but this was a start. A few times I tried asking Lionel about it but she brushed me off. If she had any negative consequences from it she never let on.

 

Zero and I were at Zero’s apartment lying in bed after an exhausting day. His bed was even better than mine, it was actually soft and inviting and there was enough space for both of us. My mattress at home was at least ten years old and sagged in spots. It was one of the many reasons that I didn’t understand why he preferred my apartment to his.

Usually whenever I came over the door to the second bedroom was always shut. Today I’d gotten there before he had and took the opportunity to open it and look around. The boxes were still there gathering dust. Nothing else in the room showed any sign of being moved. I would have said it was an exhibit of the past but that would have implied that he actually took some care with it. Right now it was almost as if he’d locked it all away so that it would disappear. I closed the door and decided to ask him about it later.

Zero had been in a relatively good mood all day so I thought maybe now would be a good time to talk to him. "Are you ever going to unpack those boxes?" I asked.

He stared at me like he had no idea what I was talking about for a minute before he realized what I was referring to. "Probably not." He closed his eyes and exhaled heavily. "Why does that bother you so much?"

"I don’t know. All of that stuff in there must be important because you’ve kept it this long. I guess it feels like you know so much about my family and my past and I still barely know anything about yours."

He rolled his eyes. "I thought I told you that’s a part of my life that I don’t really want to talk about. You know all of the important parts." We laid there in silence. Eventually he pushed himself up and sat on the side of the bed facing away from me. "Besides you’ve been a lot closer to family than they ever were. Maybe I’d rather focus on that."

I sat up. "Are you serious?" I wasn’t sure what to say, this was all uncharted territory between us.

He nodded. "Yeah, it’s stupid but it’s true. You were there for me when a lot of other people weren’t."

"I told you I wouldn’t leave you."

"Do you know how many people have said that to me?" He turned and looked at me. "How many of them do you think actually meant it?" I watched him as best I could. I couldn’t see his face clearly in the dark. There were only bright flashes where his eyes were and that didn’t give much of a clue to his expression.

"Not many." I put my arms around my legs. "You know you’ve always been there for me too, in your own way." I was touched that someone had actually stayed when things got difficult instead of taking the easy way out. When so much of life felt like fighting against something pulling me underwater it was nice to have someone who was willing to try and help me stay afloat.

Zero laughed to himself. "I guess you’re right." He shifted so he was looking at me. "Can’t that be enough?"

"Of course it can," I said.

 

This time when the Devils won the championship I didn’t hold back. Once I got into the locker room I kissed Zero the way I’d wanted to before and he kissed back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading and all of the comments and kudos. I hope you enjoyed the story.


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